


Reconciliations

by AnimeniacAnonymous



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Explicit Language, Flashbacks, M/M, Male Slash, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Shounen-ai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 04:23:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 32
Words: 41,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7207703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnimeniacAnonymous/pseuds/AnimeniacAnonymous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sanzo remembers something he wishes had stayed forgotten. Goku realizes something he wishes he hadn't. Can these two lost souls ever find peace? Specific Chapter Warnings</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Nightmare

The still night was broken by the pounding of bare feet across the temple floor. He was running fast, almost too fast, as he skidded around a corner. The child's small limbs shook with exhaustion. His breath was loud in his ears and his heart beat in his throat. Sweat poured down his small frame in torrents... but he dare not stop. They were too close.

There were four of them; far larger and older than he. The men seemed so large and intimidating in the low light of the crescent moon, almost larger than anything could be in real life. The smaller boy heard their footfalls in hot pursuit and forced his scrawny legs to propel him forward. He thought he could feel their hot breath and grabbing fingers. The boy wasn't sure what the men would do if they caught him. He didn't want to think about it.

'Just a little further' he thought in desperation. 'If I can get to where Master Koumyou is....' Normally, such a thought would disgust the child. He was strong. He needed no protection. These weaklings couldn't take him in a fair fight! His ire increased at the indignation of being outnumbered by cowards who wouldn't dare attack him during the day. Chasing Koumyou's disciple in the daylight would've raised suspicion.

Due to their weakness and the favor of some of the higher monks, the men's attacks were normally limited to snide comments on his parentage (or lack thereof) or on his haughty attitude. When they were lacking in creativity, they fell back to the taunt the other children had gifted him with: 'Kouryuu , the River Rat'. They whispered behind his back: 'The brat is an Ashura!' But the ones the child hated most were the ones that attacked his looks. It wasn't his fault that he was 'pretty, almost like a girl!' What pissed him off the most, was that they implied that he had used his thrice-damned good looks to charm his way into Master Koumyou's good graces. Or even worse insinuations that made him simmer in a black rage: that he should use those talents and 'assist' his other superiors. To that, the boy said "They can go fuck...."

His thoughts were cut short as he felt a hand brush the back of his neck. They were way too close! Cursing his stupidity and carelessness, he pushed all of his remaining strength into his legs. As he pulled away, a brief glimmer of hope lodged itself in his chest. He was almost at Master Koumyou's quarters in the temple. If he could get close enough, he would at least have backup when he confronted these bastards.

Unfortunately, his hope was short-lived. It was true that he had pulled away, but the added burst of speed caused him to skid around the last corner. Unlike the last turn he had made, the child's speed made it impossible for him to keep his balance. He could feel his feet slip out from underneath him. As he crashed to the floor, he cursed loudly. He had hoped that the crash from his fall and the vulgar language would at least bring one of the more conservative monks to see what the disturbance in Buddha's temple was. Once again, the hope that had briefly bloomed vanished. He imagined their smirks of triumph more than he saw them as one of the men reached out and grabbed one of his ankles. 

Rage filled the child's small body and he lashed out, kicking and punching. How dare these filthy pigs touch him! But as he breathed in to cuss the assholes out, a large clammy hand clamped down on his mouth. Desperation lent strength to limbs that no longer obeyed his mind's orders. Arms and legs flailed about as teeth bit into the fleshy part of the hand that covered his mouth. He felt a grim sort of pride when one of his pursuers sucked in a pained breath when his teeth, an arm, or a leg landed a solid blow. Frantically trying to buy himself time, he neglected to notice when a man got behind him and chopped him on the back of his neck. Struggling against the darkness creeping up on him, all the boy could do was damn his weakness as his vision faded to black.


	2. Denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language

Genjo Sanzo the thirty-first Toa of China awoke with a start, his violet eyes wide and glazed with the remnants of sleep. The vestiges of his nightmare refused to let go. Sanzo's eyes darted back and forth, assessing his surroundings and searching for his attackers. He barely breathed, hyperventilating briefly to get air into his uncooperative lungs. When sleep finally left him, Sanzo narrowed his eyes in self-disgust. He was fine. Of course it was dark, but it was almost three in the morning! And the only things assaulting him was Goku's ridiculously loud snores and sleepy grumbles for food.

Sitting up on his bedroll, the blonde looked around him with eyes that were now focused and fully aware. He saw the coals of last night's fire glowing dimly in the moonlight surrounding them. The steady, deep breaths of the other men confirmed what he already knew. His 'associates', for lack of a better term, were still sleeping peacefully around him. The only one awake was Jeep who gave a curious "Kyu?" Frowning at the pest, Sanzo reached for a cigarette and a lighter.

After it was lit, Sanzo breathed in deeply and allowed the sweet nicotine to kill any discomfort remaining from his dream. 'What the hell?' he thought grumpily. The monk reflected on his dream then. What on this god-forsaken earth had brought that weird dream on? Men chasing him? He couldn't remember any time that had happened. Except that night. But he had handled that. Those bastards never had a chance of beating him. Putting a bullet between their eyes had ended that chase, permanently. As he had journeyed on, he had practically forgotten about those perverts. They were nothing to him: pathetic losers who had lost to a child. A child who had just left the temple where he had spent his entire childhood and who had just lost his master. There was no way they would have been able to knock him out. Rubbing his sleepy eyes irritably, Sanzo gave up on getting back to sleep.

The monk stood and walked over to the small pond adjacent to the foursome's campsite. He splashed some cold water on his face to clear his mind and then sat down on the grassy bank. Staring off into nothing, Sanzo allowed the cigarette to dangle limply from his lips. He honestly didn't want to think about his stupid dream. These kinds of nightmares were children's dreams, not the dreams of grown men. Growling in frustration, he decided to meditate.

Besides 'muichimotsu', Sanzo didn't believe in many Buddhist practices. But meditation, despite being a common Buddhist practice, was a different story. Meditation was one of the things he had excelled at in the temple and it was something he might admit to enjoying. The silence that surrounded him, broken only by the idiot monkey's snoring and an occasional sleepy murmur from Gojyo, was the perfect environment for meditation.

Sitting up straight, the priest took one last inhale of his addiction and then snuffed the cigarette. Closing his eyes, Sanzo started to breathe deeply. Inhale: the man looked at the cares that cluttered his mind. Exhale: he forced them out of his mind with his breath. Sanzo repeated this exercise with everything that was on his mind; the nightmare, the journey west, even his Master's death. Everything was expelled with each exhale. Slowly, the tension seeped out of his limbs and something like relaxation took over his face. Eventually even the sounds of the night vanished and all there was were his steady heartbeat and his deep breaths.

"Sanzo?"

The blonde was rudely brought back to reality when a puzzled voice entered into his consciousness. Blinking to try and refocus himself on the present, he turned to the annoyance currently looking at him with golden eyes full of confusion. "What is it?'” Sanzo growled through clenched teeth. He had finally started to relax! Then the brat had to come and ruin everything. Why the hell was he up anyway? It was way past the monkey's bedtime.

"What're ya doin' up?" Goku slurred through sleep numbed lips.

"Che! I could ask you the same!' He turned away from his...charge? It seemed unfair to call the teen standing before him that. After all, the monk wasn't exactly the most attentive guardian. Also, Goku had proven that he could, in fact, take care of himself. Setting that subject aside for further study, he focused on the moonlight reflecting off the pond.

"Had to pee." Of course it would be something as stupid as that. "Seriously, why are ya up, Sanzo?"

"None of your business, monkey."

"M'not a monkey." Due to the late hour, Goku's retort held little of its normal vehemence. Sanzo could practically hear the monkey's annoyance as he avoided the question yet again. The brat needed to mind his own business. He was jerked out his thoughts when a warm body crouched next to him. "Nah, Sanzo, what's up?"

The blonde man sighed, now his monkey was curious. Sanzo knew Goku would never drop it if he didn't get some kind of answer from him. "What does it look like I'm doing, brat. I'm meditating, or at least I was. Shitty brat." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Goku frown.

"Crazy ass time to meditate." Sanzo almost smirked.

"It's the only time you and the other assholes aren't making a racket."

"Hmmm..." They sat in silence for a while, watching the lightening sky. "Nah, Sanzo," Goku started "are you sure nothing's wrong?"

"Seriously monkey, what the hell is with you?!" Sanzo had lost his smidgen of patience.

"You just have this look in your eyes." Sanzo sat, stunned at the candid statement. "You have a look I've never seen there before."

"And what look, pray tell" Sanzo intoned sarcastically, "do I have in my eyes?"

"Dunno, um...Something like desperation. As though you're trying to forget something, or remember something you've forgotten."

The monk gaped at the child? Teen? Man, next to him. "The fuck do you know! I'm not trying to forget anything and everything I've forgotten I want to stay that way! Shitty monkey, trying to play fucking psychiatrist on me! You’re about a billion years too early and two billion brain cells short to do that!"

"Have it your way." Sanzo couldn't have been more surprised at the quiet utterance. He had expected a fit, a fight, a punch, something: some reaction other than Goku standing and heading towards a group of trees to do his business. The blonde watched the heretic's back as he walked away and wondered what the hell this world was coming to.


	3. What Goku Knew

The next morning, Goku was awoken from his sleep by the smell of breakfast cooking. His stomach rumbled and he sat up with a slurred "Food?"

Hakkai smiled at him from across the fire. "Good morning Goku. Breakfast will be ready shortly. Why don't you go wash your face?" With an only partially coherent "Sure", Goku stumbled off towards the pond. It was only after he had washed his face and began eating the rice gruel Hakkai had handed him that his brain woke up enough to consider the events of the previous night. Eating his meal with his usual gusto, Goku got down to thinking about all that had occurred the night before.

What the hell had Sanzo been doing up at such a late hour? Goku glanced at the monk as he was eating, noting the slight bags under the blonde's eyes. He seemed normal, aside from that slight sign of a restless night. His remarks, when he made them, were as acerbic as always. Hell, he was even eating something! But something had seemed off about his sun last night. Goku tried to remember everything that happened.

The young man had been roused from his sleep by an urge to pee. He had gotten up to answer nature's call when his awareness, limited by sleepiness as it was, had noticed something unusual. Glancing around, Goku had tried to discover what was amiss. Then he saw Sanzo. What was Sanzo doing awake, and why was he sitting beside the pool?

Goku had asked and had received the predictably snarky answer he had expected. What he hadn't expected was the look buried in the violet eyes he knew better than his own golden ones. That was something new. He had tried asking Sanzo about it, but was deflected. The sage grew annoyed. Sanzo was mistaken if he thought a weak dodge like that was going to deter him now that he was older. So he had persisted. Finally, he had come to the conclusion of what lay there. He had never seen such desperation before. It seemed as though Sanzo was struggling with something from his past that his conscious mind refused to acknowledge. He may be naive, but Goku wasn't stupid. When the monk had invariably exploded at the insinuation, Goku had merely let the objection stand. Who was he to force someone to confront that which they were not ready to confront? He had left the man sitting by the water, stunned by his unexpected reaction, and went about his business.

That was not to say he had had an easy time falling asleep afterward. Goku lay awake thinking about everything he knew about Genjo Sanzo: his habits, his character, and the limited knowledge he had on the monk's background. While that reflection had only strengthened his belief that Sanzo was forgetting something from his past, whether intentionally or not, it had not given him any ideas into what it was. Goku's musing had eventually put him to sleep, but the heretic resolved to watch Sanzo closely in the morning.

"Something wrong Goku?" A concerned voice brought him out of his reflections.

"Huh?" Goku looked across the fire and noticed a set of confused eyes looking across the fire at him.

"You're being awfully quiet today, stupid monkey." another voice teased from the side. He was perceptive enough to notice the concern hidden behind the insult.

"Ahaha," he laughed nervously. "Sorry, guess I was just so hungry I was focused on eating more than talking. And don't call me a stupid monkey ya damn pervy kappa!"

"Ehh! What did you call me brat?!" Gojyo allowed the issue to drop as he and Goku began one of their epic mealtime fights. Soon, the wicked harisen rained punishment upon their poor heads with a shout of "Shut up and eat!"

Whining against the treatment, Goku thought to himself that despite the bags, Sanzo had seemed fine all morning. To continue to worry about something like that would only bring concern from the rest of the so called 'Sanzo Party'. The gold eyed man dismissed his worries, knowing that Sanzo was a strong man. He would eventually figure out what he was forgetting or trying to forget. Once he did, Sanzo would develop a plan of action, most likely ignoring the problem until it solved itself or until he became comfortable with his new reality. Goku figured that if Sanzo actually did need help then he'd be able to tell. No one knew Sanzo better than he did after all. Not even Sanzo himself.

And so the morning passed without incident and the gang packed up their campsite to continue West.


	4. Sanzo Being Sanzo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language

Sanzo sulked in the front seat of the Jeep as the group drove through a perfectly flat and perfectly boring stretch of countryside. This week had not been one of the better weeks for the Sanzo party. For starters, all that tall grass seemed to encourage the not so intelligent teams of demon assassins. "Hey! Hide in me and launch a sneak attack!" was what the scenery to say to the bastards. The fact that the grass only came up to a fully grown man's waist and that the four targets were not fucking idiots was of little consequence. So the attacks had been more nuisances than legitimate attacks.

For another, they hadn't seen a town in nearly five days. The map they had acquired several weeks ago had shown a town in this part of the countryside...about eighty miles back. "It seems our map is a little inaccurate, huh Sanzo?" a clam voice stated.

"Hmph! Obviously." replied Sanzo curtly. "Whichever idiot made it should be shot."

"Or better yet, forced to wander through here with only his map as a guide." Gojyo called out from the back seat. "What kind of fucking idiot gets things like the location of towns so damn wrong?!" The crimson haired man was not handling the withdrawal from his cigarettes or women well. His long hair looked like a rat's nest. Anxious fingers had been running through the strands with increasing frequency over the days he had been without his vices.

Sanzo refused to acknowledge that piece of profound idiocy with a reply, but he did feel a bit smug. Gojyo had already smoked the entire package of cigarettes they had purchased in the last town a week ago while the blonde still had three of the glorious cylinders left. The monk drew one of the last sticks of tobacco with an air of nonchalance, noting the way the kappa's eyes followed it as he brought it to his lips. Sanzo almost let a small smile break through his expressionless facade, but he had a reputation to uphold after all, even if the only audience were his companions.

"That's just cruel. You're so mean Cherry-chan." The monk could practically hear the pout in Gojyo's voice.

"You should've been more careful with yours then." Sanzo retorted. A grumble that sounded something like "Bastard" muttered under his breath was the kappa's reply. However, despite being petty enough to take some enjoyment in Gojyo's misery, he wasn't cruel enough to allow the tobacco filled air to float over the redhead's way. He made sure to exhale over the side of the Jeep and kept it away from his cigarette deprived traveling companion.

Hakkai shot the monk a mildly disapproving look. "Do you really need to taunt him Sanzo?"

"Hmph!" was all the blonde said in response to that.

With a sigh, Hakkai smiled at Gojyo in the rear-view mirror. "I think we might have a beer left. I've been saving it for an occasion like this."

"The Merciful Goddess should take lessons from you 'Kai!" the kappa exclaimed happily. "Oi, stupid monkey! Grab me the beer."

Goku continued to stare out at the passing scenery, but replied "Sure." Bending down, he reached into the container under his seat and pulled out the last can of precious elixir. "Here." After handing it to the baffled but pleased redhead, the brunette continued his staring.

"Is everything alright Goku?" the human turned demon asked the young man concernedly. "You seem awfully quiet."

"Yeah, I'm just hungry." While that fact was not surprising in the least, the fact that the group hadn't heard that particular sentence in about an hour was. Also, it was not spoken in the teen's normally whiny tone. Instead, it was stated in a matter of fact tone. This concerned Hakkai, but most especially and secretly, Sanzo. "Besides, the pervy kappa is obviously too tobacco deprived to even attempt such a simple task on his own, so I need to help him."

"Shut up you stupid monkey!" Gojyo had finished the beer, and retorted with his normal vehemence. "I'm not as simple as you are!"

"Oh is that right! Then how come you needed simple ol' me to get your damn beer huh?"

"Why I oughta..."

"Hey! Quit touchin' me!"

"Then don't grab my hair you stupid...."

"Shut the hell up you two!" Sanzo's shout was accompanied by the thwacks of a harisen hitting two unprotected heads. "Just sit there quietly and leave me in peace!"

"Well, well, it seems everyone is feeling better" Hakkai smiled and said.

"Hmph, they should've just stayed in whatever form of discomfort they were in. My peace was way too short-lived." Sanzo's cigarette had burned to the filter, so he tossed it over the side of the Jeep and resumed his grumpy huff looking out at the empty plain.

"Hey," Goku said "it looks like it might rain."

The monk turned his head to look and see where the monkey was looking and sure enough he saw hints of storm clouds crawling over the horizon. Just fucking perfect.

"Hopefully we'll get to a town soon." said Hakkai, his placid expression looking strained. "If not, we'll pull to the side of the road and set up camp.

"I think we'll get to a town soon." Goku stated with such assurance that the statement caused the other three members to look at him in confusion.

"And what the hell gives you that idea?" Sanzo asked, perplexed.

"The road isn't quite as bumpy. It's more worn, like people travel it more often." the brunette responded causing the blonde and the redhead to look at their driver who looked at Jeep for confirmation. A short and happy "Kyu!" was the answer they needed. 

Sanzo supposed they shouldn't be surprised that the monkey had been the one to notice the difference out of the four of them. Goku had spent most of this week, when he wasn't repelling attackers or arguing with Gojyo, asleep or staring off into space lost in his own world. 'Probably a world where everything was meat and edible.' he thought to himself, allowing his perceptions of the teen to remain unchanged and unchallenged.

"Well, let's hope you're right, Goku." Gojyo stated, a little unsure of the reliability of Goku's observation. "I'm not sure I can live another day without a cigarette."

"Shut up and die then." Sanzo's mood was darkening with the horizon. Noticing his ire, the two in the backseat came to an unspoken agreement not to say or do anything that might result in their leader getting even the least bit annoyed for fear that he would make good on his threat to shoot the two of them.

Several hours later, when the sky had darkened considerably and thunder roared in the distance, the group of men found themselves at a small town. More of a village than a town, but it had an inn. An inn with four rooms available at that. Apparently, this was the season when all of the hunters were out plying their trade. "When the season's over, we'll be packed because they'll all be here trying to sell their goods, but for now we're as quiet as a ghost town." explained the pretty, young hostess at the inn. "You'll be able to eat here since we have an attached tavern, though there's not much available at the moment."

"As long as you're available, sweetheart, it doesn't matter what else is around." Gojyo practically purred. The hostess rolled her eyes. As did Goku, though the young man kept his comments to himself.

The conversation in front of him was background noise as Sanzo finished writing their names in the ledger and handed over the credit card. All he wanted to do was get up to his room and smoke the night away. The village had cigarettes to spare since they would be in high demand when the hunters returned.

"Are you going to stay in your room all night Sanzo?" a quiet voice entered into his conscious. Expecting Hakkai to be there with a sad but understanding look on his face, the monk was surprised when he saw Goku standing there with the exact same look on his face that he had expected on the vine demon's. A glare and silence was answer enough. The brunette shook his head sadly, but didn't comment or even try to encourage him to eat something. Instead, when the teen's stomach growled, he turned his attention to the hostess who was still fending off flirtatious one-liners from Gojyo and asked "Where can I get somethin' to eat? I'm hungry!" There was the whiny tone.

The hostess looked at him with a sympathetic smile. She had heard the grumbling of his stomach even over the kappa's chatter. "Our kitchen isn't open at the moment, but if you hurry, you can make it down to the general store and buy some dumplings before the rain starts." Too late, the rain began to lightly patter against the wooden slats of the inn.  
"it's not too heavy yet!" said Goku as he ran for the door. "I'll be right back!" With that, he dashed out the door and down the street.

Hakkai shook his head in amusement and then turned serious when he saw Sanzo begin walking up the stairs that led him to the room he'd be staying in. "Try to eat something, Sanzo." he said gently, not expecting his advice to be followed.

"The monkey could take a hint, why can't you?" The monk didn't even turn around to deliver that statement and rounded a corner before the green-eyed demon could respond. He opened the door, entered the room, then sat at the window, lighting a cigarette and staring out at the steadily falling rain. No matter how much progress seemed to be made, no matter how many years it had been since he'd seen that scene, no matter how long he traveled with companions who would gladly have lightened his burden; rainy nights still got to him. And though he hated himself for his childish bout of gloom, he would have hated himself even more had he ceased to remember. He allowed all other thoughts to desert his mind in favor of that remembrance. Tomorrow, once the rain had gone, they would continue the journey set before him. Tomorrow, he would get back up and continue to be strong. But for now, he wanted to be left alone and lost in his memories.


	5. Busted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Graphic sexual abuse, pedophilia, may be triggering

The first of his senses to return was hearing. At first, all he heard were murmurs, as though someone was talking from far away. When he began to hear what was being said, Kouryuu was pissed to say the least.

"He's beautiful."

"Yeah, it's a shame his personality doesn't match, but we can still derive some benefit from him." There was laughter from at least two other people who had yet to speak.

His next sense to return was smell. The young blonde caught the stale scent of sweat and a kind of musky scent that made him want to vomit. Next, was taste. There was some sort of cheap material wedged in his mouth. It tasted like dust and dirt and the texture was rough against his mouth. Probably something similar to the cloth that made up the monks' robes. The next to return was touch. The child's knees hurt from where he had been forced to kneel. Clammy hands held his ankles down and apart. Another set of large hands held his wrists together and secure above his head. But it wasn't until he felt a slight draft that he realized, with growing horror, that he was being undressed. Finally his sight came back: what he saw made the anger and fear return. His four attackers were huddled around his kneeling form. Only a sliver of moonlight peeked in through a small window. While the blonde was unconscious, his tormentors had moved him to a more secluded room.

"Oi! The brat's awake!" His golden hair was yanked and Kouryuu's neck bent at an extreme angle.

"Good. It wouldn't be fun unless he was participating. Neh, Kouryuu-chan?" The sickly cute way the man said his name made him shudder in disgust and narrow his eyes in fury. The boy wished he could see his attackers more clearly. If he could look them in the eye, Kouryuu was certain he could scare them off with his aura alone. Alas, the moonlight was too weak, and the hand that held his head made it impossible to get a proper look. He was jerked back to reality when his short robe finally fell off of his shoulders. Enraged, the child began to try and free his limbs from their confinement and he tried to cuss out his attackers. All of his efforts to escape only resulted in his clothes slipping off completely and a muffled string of protests. Sitting bare before these sickos was probably the most humiliating experience in his short life. Kouryuu closed his eyes and felt tears of frustration burning behind his closed lids.

"Oi, let's get on with it. We never know when Master Koumyou will come looking for his little whore." A stifled indignant curse was interjected and ignored.

"There, there, Kouyruu. We'll take good care of you." a voice cooed at him, causing his ire to increase more. "All we ask is for a little reciprocation. Just give us the same kind of treatment you give Master Koumyou, hmm? After all, it's your duty as a novice to attend to your elders, isn't it?" The barely masked glee in the voice above him made him grit his teeth in anger. He opened his eyes and glared in the general direction of the voice, trying to communicate his absolute loathing with his violet eyes alone.

A short bark of laughter. "Look, he's mad." The cackling of the four stooges grated on his nerves and increased his account for revenge. "What's wrong? Are you a picky slut, River Rat?"

"Yeah, and he tries to pretend to be holier than the rest of us. You’re just a toy: something Master Koumyou picked up out of pity and decided to make the best of." This dig actually hurt. Sometimes he DID think that his Master had picked up the river orphan only because he pitied the poor child. Mercy he could take, charity he could not.

Kouryuu heard the sound of clothes being shucked and sucked in a breath in horrified realization. Against his will, he felt his body begin to tremble and he was filled with hatred for his own fear.

"Oh, poor thing. Nervous? Don't worry. We won't judge you too harshly." a voice whispered next to his ear, causing the boy to jerk away and hiss in pain as the movement caused him to pull away from the hand holding up his head. There was some muttered conversation around him and the hands holding him down began to position his body. The blonde had been waiting for something like this; he had hoped that when they went to move him, their grip would be loosened. Once again he tried to wriggle himself free, and once again was brought face-to-face with his own helplessness. The tears that had never quite vanished from his eyes resurfaced again as Kouryuu was consumed with self-loathing. Why was he so weak?!

The child was snapped back to reality by hands running down his body. He jerked and tried to shimmy away, but the large hands held him still. He frame shook with rage: how dare these cretins touch him! He barely allowed his Master that privilege.  
"Alright gents, let's get this started. Midnight prayers will be over soon and we don't want to be disturbed." His hands were separated and forced to his sides. Two hot dicks were forced into his clenching hands. In front of his upturned head, a penis stood at attention: obviously waiting for something to distract the boy enough to let the man release the gag and use something else to muffle the blonde's cries. Kouryuu also felt hands holding his hips elevated and a massive amount of heat at his back.

His eyes widened in panic. They couldn't do this to him! The boy began to hyperventilate and his heart began to race. Chilly fear swear lightly coated his frame. No way in hell was he going to let himself be...be...


	6. Reactions

Sanzo's awakening was a violent one. He sat straight up in bed, gasping for breath, limbs flailing about in the sheets. The bedding felt too much like those restraining hands in his dream-like state and the blonde fought to free himself. As he returned to awareness, Sanzo noticed the rumpled mess he had made of his sleeping arrangements and felt the sweat that lightly coated his slim frame. This nightmare, occurring just two weeks after the last nightmare of this kind, had disturbed the monk badly enough for him to not yet feel the disgust such an intense reaction would normally bring up.

'The hell was that about?' he thought to himself, trying to calm his desperate panicky breathing. It was unusual for him to have this kind of dream. Hell, until two weeks ago, Sanzo hadn't had one in over a decade. Such stupid nightmares shouldn't be coming to him. Nothing had happened in his life that suggested the act that his dream self was so obviously fearful of.  
Looking over to the other bed in the room and to the person lying in it, Sanzo was happy that he had caved into the monkey's whines to room with someone other than Gojyo. If Hakkai had been in the room, the monk's abrupt rousing would have woken the human-turned-demon as well. The green eyed man would have asked Sanzo about his dream and it was something the blonde really didn't feel like thinking about right now.

Goku was still fast asleep. Being the heaviest sleeper Sanzo had even known, the monk's vigorous stirring hadn't even disturbed him from whatever dream he was having. The gold-eyed teen was still snoring loudly and contentedly mumbling requests for meat.

Sanzo snorted and turned his focus back to his lap. This dream had felt so real, but the monk knew that nothing like what had been implied at the end had happened. Sanzo shuddered at the thought of people getting away with touching him in such a perverted manner. Sure, every now and then some drunken sop would grope his ass, but the offending hand was immediately wrenched away and held in a vice-like grip, nearly breaking their wrist for good measure. Sometimes, if they were particularly 'friendly' a gun was shoved in their face. Once more, Sanzo cursed his deceiving feminine looks. 

A headache had formed after the retreat of his stressful nightmare. Sanzo reached up to rub at his temple and felt something that caused him to widen his eyes. 'Are those...tears?!' The blonde immediately ripped his hand away from his face and stared at his fingers in the moonlight that filtered in from the open window. Sure enough, there was wetness on them.

Alright, now that was just pathetic! How could a dream move him, who hadn't cried since the day his Master passed, to tears. Furiously, Sanzo scrubbed at his face, ridding himself of the offending drops. Now that he was aware of it, his eyes burned like they had that night when his Master had saved him from the demon thieves. Disgusted with himself, Sanzo got up and grabbed his cigarettes. If he wasn't going to get back to sleep, then he was going to go out and smoke. Leaving his charge to his dreams, Sanzo grabbed the sutra and a lighter and stealthily made his way out of the room.

Once the door closed and the light footsteps receded from his hearing, Goku gave up feigning sleep. He had awoken earlier, when some vague feeling of unease had entered his dreams. Trusting his instincts, the earth spirit woke up, peered around the room, and extended his senses to look for what was off. He hadn't sensed the presence of demons and was just about to fall asleep when a soft groan hit his ears. Turning swiftly towards the other occupant of the room, Goku was fully woken by the sight of his sun twisting restlessly in his bed. Soft groans of distress and a slightly salty scent in the air caused Goku's golden eyes to widen. Sanzo, the Sanzo who always seemed so strong and resilient, was crying. Goku could just make out the faint tracks upon the pale skin of the monk's cheeks. Torn about what to do, his decision was made for him when violet eyes had snapped open and limbs wind-milled about as if in an attempt to get away from something.

Knowing that Sanzo would not want to be seen in such a state, Goku had immediately faked sleep. He had heard the slight movements that his sun had made, had felt the amethyst orbs glancing at him in the dark, and heard the revolted sound that Sanzo made when he discovered the tear tracks. When the monk grabbed everything he would need to smoke the night away, Goku had been dismayed. This would be the second time in such a short while that Sanzo had gave up a night of sleep.

Thinking back to the last instance not so long ago, Goku wondered if a similar occurrence had happened to make Sanzo give up on rest. On that night though, the blonde had not cried. Perhaps a different nightmare then? Goku was not as stupid as the others held him to be. He could recognize the signs of a bad dream as well as anyone else he knew. It did seem strange that Sanzo would have nightmares, outside of the ones that he had on rainy nights reminded him of his Master.

Maybe this, whatever it was, was what the monk was trying to deal with on that night by the pond. Obviously little to no progress had been made. He wasn't really sure what he had expected from the monk. Maybe for a little more progress to be made in such a long time. But knowing Sanzo as he did, Goku figured that the stretch of time since his last nightmare had lured the blonde into a sense of security. No need to think about one random nightmare after all when so many other things: their journey West, the assassins after them, and dealing with the effects of the Minus Wave to name a few, were in need of immediate attention.

As much as Goku wanted to stay up and think of ways to help his sun, his body refused to give in to his wishes. While falling asleep, Goku resolved to keep a better eye on Sanzo and to try his best to solve whatever issue the blonde was having.   
Whether Sanzo knew about it or not.


	7. Sanzo Watching

When he had first started watching Sanzo, Goku had thought he had known almost everything about the monk. He knew of the blonde's deeply buried kindness and of the wisdom that lurked behind the young, gruff face. He knew that Sanzo had started smoking because the previous abbot of Keiun temple had, and the blonde wished to honor his memory. Sanzo had told him a little about his childhood so Goku knew the name of his Master, the previous Sanzo Priest: Koumyou Sanzo. But after about a week of closely observing the monk, Goku had realized how much he didn't know. Some of things he hadn't known were only small things though, things he could forgive himself for not noticing.

For example, the brunette hadn't known that Sanzo disliked water chestnuts. A few days ago, they had been eating at a small tavern, in an even smaller town. While Goku had devoured his meal with his usual gusto, he watched Sanzo as he ate. The blonde, though he would never acknowledge it, took small almost dainty bites of his food. After a while, it became apparent that he was picking around the water chestnuts that were interspersed in the dish. When the man had only water chestnuts left, stacked in a neat pile on the corner of his plate, he had glared at them as though they had mortally offended him. Suddenly, he shook himself out of it and swiftly ate the offending vegetables. The face the monk had made afterwards continued to make Goku smile to himself. It was a grimace disguised as a scowl and looked like some weird combination of both. He had never shown any such dislike for anything else they had eaten. Thus, he had learned Sanzo's least favorite food.

Other details, however, were so glaringly obvious that the brunette was disgusted with himself for missing them. He had discovered that Sanzo was strictly ruled by routine, not because he was a priest, but because he liked to have control over every aspect of his life that he could. He had his habits and stuck to them more than moss to an ancient tree.

He had always known that Sanzo liked to read the paper in the evenings with a cigarette and a cup of tea. What he hadn't noticed was the adorable gesture he was sure the blonde would deny performing were he aware of it. After he finished reading the paper and folded it neatly the monk would stare off into space for a few moments, probably gathering his thoughts or processing the information he had read. During this short trance-like state, Sanzo would run the tip of his index finger contemplatively around the rim of the tea cup. When he came back to himself, the violet-eyed man would pick up the cup and stare at the remaining liquid. After a moment's hesitation, he would gulp down the rest of his drink.

Also, Sanzo cleaned his gun once a week and always on the same day, Wednesday. Even at the same point of his day. Right after they had stopped traveling and set up their sleeping arrangements, the gunslinger would sit off to the side and methodically take apart his banishing gun. He would clean each part carefully and inspect it for damage, then put it back together with just as much precision. The fact that the man went to such lengths to keep routine was baffling to Goku. He liked to live in the moment after all. But if it made the monk happy, or at least content enough not to shoot the lot of them, he would be happy for Sanzo.

As he had come to learn all of these new things, Goku had come to a depressing conclusion: he didn't know enough about Sanzo to tell if or when he was acting strangely. The young man had started watching his sun for any signs that whatever problem the monk was dealing with was becoming too much for him. If there was so much he didn't know about the blonde, how would he be able to help?

This realization caused him a lot of distress, but eventually he found his determination. It didn't matter that he didn't know the exact actions or reactions he should be looking for, what mattered was that he paid attention and learned from what he saw. The brunette would learn Sanzo's usual patterns and note any differences in them he might notice. The fact that Sanzo was so ruled by habit made this strategy all the more effective and easy to follow successfully.

Also, it was no hardship to watch the blonde. Goku would never say it to the man, but to the brunette, Sanzo was the most beautiful creature on this earth. Nothing he had seen even came close. Knowing this would only anger the monk if he said it, and noticing how others who said the same thing looked at the man only discouraged him further. The others: men, women, humans, demons, they all looked at him as though he were a piece of meat they were looking to purchase. The appreciative glances seemed more for their benefit than for Sanzo's, especially when they continued to look at him with lust even after he glared at them with frigid amethyst eyes.

Even like that, those eyes rivaled all of the pretty statues and offerings Goku had seen throughout his years at the temple with Sanzo. The teen never wanted to make the monk uncomfortable or angry by looking at him the way others did, so he hid his appreciation underneath his admiration for his sun.

Because it wasn't only his looks that Goku liked. His personality, though prickly and aloof, was another source of attraction for him. Sure, the young man never liked being on the receiving end of Sanzo's ire, but every hint of kindness, every glimpse of true happiness or contentment on the man's pretty face made Goku's heart give off warmth that filled his whole chest. He wasn't sure why the warmth filled him so or why it was so important for Sanzo, above all others, to be fulfilled. He figured it was because seeing Sanzo happy made him happy, as happy as when he had first eaten Sukiyaki with the three he now traveled with.

Now that he was learning new things about the monk, he wanted to know more about him. What was he going to do once he recovered the second Scripture? What was his favorite book? Did he have any hopes or dreams that had been interrupted by his appointment as a Sanzo Priest or by the journey West? Goku hadn't the slightest idea where this intense desire had come from, but he knew how powerful it was. Even more intense than his craving for good food! He wanted to know Sanzo, the real Sanzo, the Sanzo that nobody else knew. And so he would watch, learn, and support from afar. Until the time came when he knew everything to be known about his sun.


	8. Musings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language

It felt like forever since he had a good night's sleep. Sanzo leaned his head back as Jeep drove the Sanzo Party further West. The last month and a half had been full of nightmares for the blonde monk.

On the two rainy nights that had occurred since his last nightmare, Sanzo had his usual dream of his biggest failure. Every other time, the monk had dreamed about those two impossible worst cases. Whether in a hotel or in the wilderness seemed to not matter. He had been fortunate that his disturbed sleep hadn't caused his companions to stir. Whenever they had access to a hotel, Sanzo had been able to wrangle himself a single room. When they were out and about, he had been careful to create some distance between himself and his companions.

The dreams had moved from a first person perspective to an almost out of body experience: he was watching the action as it was occurring rather than from his child self's perspective. Also, now the dreams were accompanied by two voices speaking over and over again: a litany of names and phrases that Sanzo detested almost as much as the dreams themselves.

The first voice was deep, raspy, and spoke with a savage sort of glee. Over and over the voice called the dream-Kouryuu things like "Slut", "Whore", or, "Weakling". It ran on, an endless repetition: a mantra of titles more fit for the scum that were performing the act than the child suffering it.

The second dream-voice was small, quavering, and high-pitched. It spoke with desperation and more often than not spoke in phrases rather than titles. "I'm scared." "Someone, anyone, please help!" These pleas and others like it, while often overshadowed by its louder counterpart, still managed to sneak their messages into his subconscious and almost add a narrative to the acts taking place in front of the adult him watching on.

Now that Sanzo had, regretfully, had plenty of time to reflect on the dreams, he acknowledged that maybe something like the dreams had occurred while he was still at Kinzan temple. He knew though that the act had never ever transpired. However, the blond distantly and vaguely recalled that he had been chased one night by several of his elders and had been knocked out by them. He couldn't remember exactly what had transpired after that, but he knew that the second dream was utter fantasy. If such an act had taken place, the monks would not have been allowed to live. Kouryuu would have taken his vengeance upon them before anything had gotten out of hand.

This lack of sleep was definitely an issue though. It was making Sanzo lose focus. Despite Gojyo's teasing and Hakkai's admonishment, the monk was actually a decent shot. One tends to become good at something when their life depends upon it. But when he was tired, Sanzo was more likely to miss his shots. Even if he hit the target, the shot was normally not one that would deal significant damage and the blonde would be forced to use up another precious bullet. As they continued further West, their encounters had gotten not only more frequent but also more difficult. They were sending stronger and stronger groups after them and while it hadn't taken much more effort to defeat them, it would have taken even less if Sanzo's shooting was up to par.

Also, a sleepy Sanzo was a pissed Sanzo. He had been losing his temper more frequently and over stupid little things. He had definitely worn down his harisen with the frequency of his use. Even his gun was getting more action as a threat towards the two goons who often disturbed his peace. Just last week, he had fired a round an inch from Gojyo's face when he had been unable to buy Sanzo's preferred brand of cigarettes. And two days ago, the blonde had nearly broken the fan by bringing it down forcefully on Goku's head when his whines for food had become too frequent for his decreased level of patience.   
The monk thought that Hakkai may have noticed something amiss. The brunette had often glanced over at him in puzzlement when he had seemingly overreacted to one of Gojyo and Goku's arguments in the back seat. However, Sanzo was certain that the man, while curious, would not pester him for answers. The self-made demon had his own secrets after all. He had no ground to stand on to force Sanzo to talk about anything he didn't want to.

One person whom he was almost certain had noticed his odd behavior was Goku. Despite his childlike demeanor, the sage was often more aware of things than he seemed. The monkey was watching him with much more closeness than the blonde was used to. With the way Goku usually watched him, that was saying something. However, the golden eyed teen seemed content for once to let Sanzo handle things on his own and not pester him for answers. Sanzo was grateful, but also a little leery of the sudden change in personality.

Though if Sanzo thought about it, this transition wasn't really sudden at all. For the last several months, Goku had been content to let sleeping demons lie. He'd stopped whining for the rest of the party to stop hiding things from him and had started to be more contemplative. About what, Sanzo was unsure, but the fact that he couldn't figure out what the monkey was thinking was a sure sign that Goku was keeping some things to himself. Probably stupid shit like 'This meat bun looks like a frog' or some other nonsense. However, he was also less prone to explode in a fit of childish anger when Gojyo did something to annoy him. Sure, the teen still fought over dinner and argued with the kappa, but it seemed as though Goku was doing it purely because that was how he and Gojyo related to one another.

The monk allowed his eyes to drift over to the teen in the back seat. Goku was watching the admittedly boring scenery go by with farseeing eyes. This new, more adult Goku, while certainly a blessing in some ways, was also a little disconcerting. Sanzo was used to the monkey acting a certain way and now that his behaviors had changed, the monk was uncertain as to how to perceive his charge. Was he still the child that needed Sanzo to teach and protect him? Was he a teenager who needed some leeway but also some sort of set boundaries enforced? Or was he something else?

"..nzo?" Someone was talking to him.

"What?" The blonde forced his mind back to the present and set aside his musings for later.

"I said there seems to be someone following us Sanzo." said Hakkai mildly, though with an air of concern. "Can't you feel the youki?" Now that the brunette had mentioned it, Sanzo did feel a sizable amount of youki nearby. He nearly groaned in frustration. Not this again.

"Oi, oi Sanzo-sama," a teasing voice interjected, "it seems you're slipping." Sanzo turned to Gojyo and scowled, allowing that to be his response to the kappa's idiotic commentary.

"What do you want to do, Sanzo ?" asked Hakkai.

"Hmph, find somewhere easily defensible and-" Too late.

"Sanzo party! Hand over the Scripture and die!"

Well, fuck.


	9. Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language

The youkai group in front of them was not the largest they had faced: only fifteen or so members. The Sanzo Party had certainly dealt with larger. That being said, the demons were not your average bottom of the barrel types either. They were well organized and the youki emanating from them was larger than average. 

Several members stood barring their path with claws and melee weapons drawn. A small cluster of them stood slightly away and to the side, almost hidden by the trees at the edge of the decent sized clearing they had been passing through. The assassins had spread themselves out in such a way that the party would be unable to evade them unless they retreated.

The leader seemed to be a large brute of a demon, at least six and a half feet tall and an axe almost as tall as he was resting on his shoulders. The demon was dark skinned with scraggly brown hair. A casual smirk played about his lips as he once again shouted, "Genjo Sanzo! Hand over the Scripture and your death will be a painless one!" It seemed as though their pursuers were upping the ante.

"I refuse." Sanzo returned his usual rebuttal with indifference. Surreptitiously, he reached for his banishing gun. 

The youkai leader shook his head, as though disappointed in the answer. But the widened, fanged grin on his face spoke otherwise. "Then die, puny human!" With that, several members of the group of mercenaries ran into the fray while others drew their long ranged weapons. Goku and Gojyo summoned their weapons and the teen ran headfirst into the fray with a triumphant "Hi-Ya!"

"Our pursuers seem less and less willing to negotiate, don't they?" commented Hakkai as he blew away two of their attackers with a shot of his chi.

"It almost seems like they don't like you Sanzo-sama." Of course Gojyo had to get in his two cents. The kappa's shakujo whirled through the air in a graceful arc, causing the demons that had approached him to retreat swiftly and avoid being sawed in half.

"Humph!" was all that Sanzo had to say on the subject. The blonde priest was firing his rounds at the demons that were currently shooting small dart-like projectiles at the group. Goku seemed to be holding his own, even surrounded by five of the demons. However, in stark contrast to their usual bouts, only a few of their adversaries had been felled.

"Oi, looks like you're losing your touch, ya pervy kappa!" the monkey teased as he blocked another attack and extended Nyoi-bo to whack an enemy that was trying to jump down on him from the trees.

"Shut up, you damn monkey! Like you're doing any better!" the redhead predictably retorted. It was true though, the group seemed to be having much more of a problem dealing with these assassins than those that had come before them; with the exception of Kougaiji's group of idiots.

"These demons seem to have some skill, hmm Sanzo?" the human turned demon stated after having narrowly avoided a blow that would have cut off his arm. Apparently he hadn't even fully avoided it, judging by the thin trickle of blood flowed down his arm.

Sanzo didn't reply. He was too busy trying to fend off the attacking demons while reloading his gun. This group did seem to have some level of combat skill if even Hakkai was having a hard time. 

"GAH!" The monk swiftly glanced in the direction of the pain filled yell. Goku had been sent flying by the axe-wielding leader and had crashed into a large tree, breaking it in half. This was not good.

"Come now, Priest." the giant oaf said. "Surely you can see you're no match for us. Hand over the Scripture and..." The demon's monologue was interrupted when he had to dodge the attacks of Gojyo and Hakkai as they ran to back up Goku as he regained his feet. Cursing under his breath, Sanzo fired several shots in succession, trying to hit the demons that were trying to surround the group. He managed to banish one of them, but not without an injury for his efforts. The blonde grunted in pain when one of their dart-like projectiles lodged itself in his thigh. Spinning swiftly, Sanzo returned fire and managed to down another demon. The wound bled steadily but was not serious enough for concern. Try telling that to Goku.

"Sanzo!" the teen shouted. "Why you!" The amber eyed young man ran towards the other enemies, intent on destroying them for hurting his sun. "Take that!" Changing Nyoi-bo into its nunchuck form, the heretic jumped in the midst of the demons who were readying another round. Whirling it around with ease, he managed to clobber the five or so Sanzo had been unable to reach with his gun. Leaving his charge to deal with the long range attackers, the monk turned and focused on keeping the lower demons away from Gojyo and Hakkai as they simultaneously attacked the large leader. They were struggling, Gojyo's shakujo was bent nearly in half from when he had blocked the giant's axe. Hakkai was panting with exertion and trying to avoid the sweeping attacks of the axe. The leader seemed unfazed by the few attacks that landed on him, though he seemed to be favoring his right leg. Maybe if they could just...

Sanzo was jerked out of his thoughts when something wrapped around his ankle and tripped him. He swore and turned to try and shoot whatever had grabbed him. To his astonishment and annoyance, it seemed like a tree root had wrapped itself around his ankle. When he went to remove it, three more roots flung out and wrapped themselves around his other limbs. Cursing profusely, the blonde struggled to free himself as he was dragged towards a tall tree. However, it wasn't until he got close that the monk saw that he was actually being dragged down a hole near the bottom of the tree. "Fuck!" Darkness swallowed him as he was rapidly pulled under the earth.

Goku's loud and panicked "Sanzo! was the last thing he heard before he was consumed. Then he was rushing downwards towards only the gods knew what.


	10. The Trap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Mild violence

Dirt and assorted forest debris rained down on him as the blonde man was whisked down what he could only think of as a mole's tunnel. A particularly large mole, but an unsavory rodent none the less. Sanzo struggled to free at least his gun wielding hand from the roots that bound him. The minute he got to wherever he was being taken, the monk resolved to shoot whoever the hell had grabbed him.

Suddenly the passage opened up to reveal a surprisingly large space. He was jerked to a stop suspended a few feet off of the ground. His shoulders protested the abuse as his arms were pulled out to hang at his sides. Sanzo glared around the opening and was slightly surprised to find that the space had once been a dwelling.

It had been taken over long ago by the forest, but its crumbling walls held back most of the dirt. The openings where windows had once been were the only points where the earth spilled in. A hole in the low ceiling had been what he had been pulled through. The residence was devoid of any furnishings save some recessed shelves that had been carved into the walls. The place smelt dank and earthly, the way he imagined a grave must smell. Torches set into dilapidated sconces lit the room faintly with a orange glow confirming the priest's suspicion that someone was responsible for his current predicament.

"Welcome, Genjo Sanzo." a smooth voice called out from the dimness. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"The feeling is not mutual." the blonde growled out, trying to adjust his eyes to the dim light so he could see his attacker. "Who the hell are you?"

"My apologies." Sanzo saw a man stand up on a root in the corner of the room where he had been perched. "My name is Kitai, and I'm afraid I must ask you to hand over the Maten Scripture." The demon that stood before him gave a small bow at his introduction then stood with a smirk on his face that indicated he was garnering amusement at the situation. His enemy stood at roughly six feet tall with thin arms and legs. His eyes were bright green and gleamed with mirth. Kitai's hair was a deep muddy brown and hung in a sleek loose ponytail that fell about mid-arm's length down one shoulder. Oddly enough, the brunette was dressed like some sort of gentleman. Polished black shoes were on his feet: shoes whose shine were rapidly fading in the large amount of dirt that surrounded them. Gray slacks, a button down white shirt, and a green fitted vest completed the ensemble. Sanzo snorted at the absurdity of it all.

"Hmph! And I'm afraid I must ask you to fuck off." The smirk on the demon's face widened to a full blown grin.

"Ooh, a feisty one, eh? And a pretty boy to boot! I sure scored big this time." The green eyed man began walking towards his immobilized prey. Roots came to life and formed something like a step stool in front of the demon as he walked up to Sanzo's eye level. Cocking his head, Kitai seemed to study the monk before him. "Such a pretty face. Almost like a girl, though the scowl on your face ruins that illusion. I wonder if your scream sounds like a girl though." The blonde grit his teeth and growled at the demon before him. Why were all his enemies so obsessed over his looks? Sanzo forced his wrist to painfully move and point the banishing gun at his enemy. The gun was shaking with the effort it took to turn and hold it aimed at the man's heart. "Uh-oh! Can't have that now, can we?" The root currently restraining his arm tightened until his wrist snapped. The blonde grunted in pain as his hand went limp and the gun fell to the floor with a clatter. He refused to give the man what he wanted. Sanzo breathed through the pain, taking deep breaths through his nose, never letting his defiant stare waver from Kitai's face. That was it, he was bringing out the big guns. Sanzo began to chant quickly and quietly under his breath, hoping that the fool in front of him was as stupid as his foppish clothes suggested. If there was a drawback to using the Scripture, it was the lengthy time it took to use it. This drawback bit him in the ass this time.

"Oh dear. None of that, lovely one." A small root wrapped around his mouth, gagging him and forcing him to stop his mantra. "We wouldn't want something like that ruining our fun now, would we?" Sharp canines were bared in a grin that threatened to rip his face in two. The monk glared at his captor, raging in his head about the uselessness of his companions. However, his anger at them was far outclassed by his anger at himself. How dare he let himself get into such a compromised situation.  
In the very back of his head, almost far enough back to be completely subconscious, Sanzo felt himself panic a little. The way he was restrained was too similar to his recent nightmares. The blonde cursed at his own ridiculous weakness. It seemed as though Kitai could see something in his eyes that his own mind refused to acknowledge because the look on his face became terrifyingly triumphant.

"I like the way fear looks on you, sweetheart." the slick voice cooed at him. "I think I might need to keep you. They can have that piece of paper, but I'm keeping you. You're just way too delicious." The brunette's voice hardened until his statements seemed almost like commands. "I really do need to see how well you scream though. Maybe I can have the pleasure of them when I break you in. I haven't had a virgin in a long while."

Maybe it was the 'breaking him in' part or perhaps even the fiercely possessive way he said 'virgin', but something about the situation unleashed all of the pent up memories in Sanzo's psyche. It was too much and before he knew what was happening the room faded to make way for the memory he had temporarily succeed in forgetting.


	11. Remembered Trauma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: GRAPHIC Rape, Disturbing Content, May be triggering

It was absolute agony: the way the blunted cock at his ass forced its way into his protesting body. The child felt something rip inside him and though he knew in some distant, still rational part of his mind that screaming would be a bad decision right now, his body's instinctual response to pain won out. Violet eyes were opened wide but were unseeing as he cried out in anguish and fear. Kouryuu didn't even register the fact that his gag had been removed until another dick forced its way down his throat. The blunt head hit the back of the blonde's throat causing tears, which had already welled in the corner of his eyes, to finally spill down pale cheeks.

In that lucid corner of his mind, Kouryuu's voice railed at him. It told him to bite down on that offensive piece of flesh and tear it from the bastard's body. The voice raged at him: use his now free legs to lash out at the monster invading him from behind. 'Kick him away! Do something you fool!' Despite its vicious orders, Kouryuu's body refused to listen. Everything shut down. The boy wasn't even supporting his own weight anymore. He just lay there, eyes unfocused and tears streaming pathetically down his face unchecked.

Around him, his attackers were moaning and groaning obscenely. Although it seemed to last an eternity, the ordeal was coming to an end. The first to fall over the edge were the two at his sides, forcing his small hands up and down their turgid flesh. White ejaculate spurted onto his shoulders and upper torso and dribbled over his hands. A slight jerk was all the warning the blonde had before the man fucking his face forced it flush against his pelvis and came down his throat. Forced to choose between choking and swallowing, the boy's body decided to swallow after choking on the sudden release. When the dick was withdrawn, Kouryuu coughed and spat, trying to clear his airway. Finally, a loud moan and a strange and uncomfortable warmth from his backside alerted him that his assaulter had finally released as well. The amethyst-eyed boy cringed as he felt ejaculate and blood flow from his abused passage, down his thighs, and onto the floor beneath him when the man removed himself from his small body. After it was all over, the men released him and Kouryuu collapsed to the sticky floor beneath him; his body refusing to hold him up.

Around him the child heard the sounds of his attackers getting dressed. They were talking amongst themselves, but the blonde couldn't make out the words. When one of the men leaned down, Kouryuu flinched, expecting the worst. But all that happened was that he whispered in his ear "Thanks for the fuck." Loud, cruel laughter followed the statement as the men left the child lying in a pool of his own blood and covered in the evidence of their crime. A door opening, a door closing, and then the blonde was alone. He lay there insensate for an unknown length of time, trying to come to terms with what had happened. More tears than he had thought he had to cry continued to flow down his face. He had just been....No! He refused to think that.

Angrily, Kouryuu grit his teeth and propped himself up on trembling arms. Looking around, the boy spotted his robe laying a short distance from him. Dragging himself across the floorboards, the blonde boy grabbed his robe and pulled himself to the corner of the room. Wrapping the garment loosely around his shoulders, he started to sit with his legs pulled up to his chest. Then pain shot up his spine and he quietly cried out. So the boy settled for having his legs laying out in front of him. What would he do now? What would Master Komyuu think? Kouryuu's heart ached at the look of disgust and disappointment that he was sure the Sanzo priest would wear when he heard about his....corruption. He was dirty and damaged now. Kouryuu would not be able to stand his Master looking at him that way. He resolved right then and there that this had never happened. All of this had been a dream, nothing more. After all, he made a habit of forgetting things he didn't want to think about.

______________________________

Kitai looked at the blonde, his green orbs narrowed in confusion. All of a sudden, the violet eyes that had been staring daggers at him had gone blank and distant. And now the man hung limply in the roots that held him captive. The demon was sure that the priest had not given up and his thought was confirmed when the blonde struggled weakly in the bindings. It was far less strongly than he had before. As though something besides the vines held him captive. Kitai's eyes sparkled: now this could be interesting. He had a good instinct for when things that pleased him were about to happen. Just like he had known how the Sanzo party would react to the encounter above him. Kitai had a gut feeling that something wonderful would happen if he removed the gag from the priest's mouth. Genjo Sanzo was too far gone to use the Scripture anyway. The demon's intuition was rewarded: as soon as the gag was removed a simply delicious scream of agony erupted from the blonde's throat. Kitai quivered in delight. Once again his instinct had proven correct, his new pet could scream beautifully.

Although, and here the brunette frowned, he had done nothing to bring about such a reaction. Looking back all he had said was...green eyes widened in realization and a sharp, fanged grin swept across his face. So his new toy wasn't a virgin. He looked with new eyes at the blonde in front of him:no longer screaming but staring ahead with harsh panting breaths as the monk worked through what had resurfaced. Although Kitai felt a slight pang of displeasure that someone else had touched his pet before him, he was willing to work around it. The priest could handle one rape without breaking, that much was certain, but Kitai wondered how many it would take. Call him a sadist, but he loved to see what would break the spirit of someone who was so strong-willed and self-assured. 

He licked his lips as the blonde head in front of him drooped down to his chest; the memory was obviously over and now Sanzo was dealing with what he had remembered. Kitai did not intend to let him have the time to process it. Grabbing golden strands, the demon yanked up his pet's head, causing a hiss of discomfort and a poor imitation of the monk's previous glare. "So not a virgin after all, hm?" Amethyst eyes flashed with rage, fear, and guilt so quickly that had the demon not been looking for them, he would have missed them. "Well, we can work around that can't we? As long as you'll scream for me as well." The stubborn set of the priest's jaw coupled with the barely hidden fear his eyes showed was a simply wonderful combination, Kitai decided. He shuddered; absolutely delicious.


	12. Wrath and Rage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language

'Damn it, damn it, damn IT!' Goku chanted in his head. 'I'm such an idiot! How could I let them take Sanzo from right under my nose!' The young man took out his frustrations on the cluster of demons that surrounded him. The five demons he had been fighting when Sanzo was kidnapped fell, just like that. Normally when he faced stronger opponents, the brunette liked to take his time and savor the challenge. However, these bastards had gone too far. Nobody took his sun away and lived! After dispatching his enemies, he turned to follow the blonde down the tunnel. Unfortunately his way was blocked by the giant brute and the remaining four demons who stood in his path. Goku growled, "Move."

The axe wielding demon smirked. "No can do. The boss wouldn't like being disturbed."

"The boss?" Hakkai asked, confusion evident on his face. "You mean you're not the boss?" He looked a little worse for wear. The green eyed man was shallowly panting and subtly clutching at his side. It seemed that Hakkai had injured ribs that he was trying to hide.

An earth-shaking laugh. "Nah. I'm just the muscle. The boss is the brains; he ain't too shabby when it comes to a fight either."

"What does your boss want with Sanzo? The Scripture?" the red haired kappa asked, cautiously edging forward with his bent shakujo. Gojyo didn't look too good either. Blood poured down his face from a cut above his right eye, blending with his crimson locks and blinding him. Also, he seemed to be favoring his left leg. Just perfect.

"The boss likes opponents like the priest" the giant explained, hefting his axe over his shoulder. Little to no damage could be seen on his body. "He likes ones who don't give in easy: likes to make 'em scream." Goku froze at his statement. 'He likes to...'

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Gojyo work up the energy for a decent sneer. "You guys don't know Sanzo too well, do you? No way would..."

All of a sudden, a pain-filled scream filled their ears. It was faint. A human would probably not have even heard it. But all the demons present did and the world seemed to stop. Animal sounds and the wind that had been blowing through the trees, even Hakkai's breath were all silenced.

"Was that..." Hakkai hesitantly whispered, his pain momentarily forgotten.

"Nah. No way!" A harsh rebuttal from Gojyo. "Sanzo would never..." the kappa allowed the words to die on his lips.

Goku's whole being froze. The heretic felt a slow simmer begin to build deep inside. He knew, with absolute certainty, that the sound of agony that he had heard had come from Sanzo. Sanzo was hurt and he wasn't there for him.

A fanged grin. "It seems like he's already started. Now we just gotta take care of you dumb shits." 

The slow simmer in his stomach rose steadily to a furious boil. Anger darkened his brow. Oh something was going to be taken care of; he guaranteed it. "Oi, Hakkai, Gojyo." he whispered softly. "How bad are ya?"

"Bad enough to know I'll need a nap later, but well enough to wreak some havoc first." Gojyo answered first, an unusually fierce expression on his face.

"Indeed." When Hakkai gave a one word answer with that kind of dark, predatory smile on his face, the 'younger' brunette got cold shivers down his spine. Okay, they were up for his plan.

"I need you guys to take care of things up here." Goku continued to whisper, fully aware that the demons in front of him were slowly shifting into battle stances. He would wipe their victorious grins off their faces. "I can get the two straight ahead of me, but I need you to make sure they can't regroup in front of the tunnel. See if you can draw them away somehow."

"Don't you worry about that Goku." A small burst of youki from his side indicated Hakkai's intended plan. "You just worry about staying out of the 'splash-zone' Gojyo."

"And miss out on all of the fun?" Gojyo sarcastically replied. "No thanks, I'll do my part as well. Goku, you go help the Princess."

Goku nodded and focused all of his anger into a small black pit in his chest. If he wasn't careful, the rage would overwhelm him and his coronet would break. Given the fact that Sanzo, the one who had taken a staff through the chest without a sound, had screamed; the gold eyed man was pretty sure that the monk wouldn't be up to re-materializing it if it broke. 'Use that rage to power your attack.' he thought to himself and coolly glared at his targets.

"Get them!" the massive axe wielder shouted, eyes dancing with glee at the bloodbath he thought awaited him. All of his remaining troops fell into place, charging the battered trio with a shout of triumph.

Without a single word uttered between them, the three demons leaped forward as well. Two more bursts of youki and power radiated off of the vine demon as he dashed towards the axe man and engaged him. A battered, but still functional chain soared through the air, wrapping around the weapons of the two demons who wielded them causing them to curse. Goku's adversaries, well, they didn't even have a chance to scream as nyoi-bo ran them through. He ran quickly towards the hole and, trusting his companions to do as they said, flung himself after his sun. 'Sanzo, I'm coming!'


	13. Blackout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Blood and gore, language, violence

The air in his lungs was forced through his clenched teeth as a fist collided with his rib cage. Sanzo refused to let any sort of sound escape him for the demon to gloat over. His mind may be in turmoil, but he was still Sanzo after all. Violet eyes gave a weak glare into the face of his attacker; one the blonde knew fell very short of his normal soul-piercing gaze, but he was going to put up the facade that nothing had happened for as long as his mind would allow.

After his proclamation of ownership, Kitai had removed the Seiten Scripture from his shoulder, rolled it up, and tossed it to the ground as so much garbage. Seeing this, the slightest bit of rage made its way through the barriers that the monk's mind was trying to desperately erect around his emotions. How dare he treat something so treasured so vilely! Kitai had then turned towards him with an expectant look in his eye before throwing a punch that was designed to bruise and not break his ribs.  
The green-eyed demon had looked positively gleeful when he saw how defiantly the blonde was holding back from making a single sound. He then aimed two punches of equal force at the same spot to see how his pet would handle it. Still nothing but the forceful expulsion of air from his lungs. But Kitai could see that the monk was not an unaffected as he pretended to be His eyes gave him away. Normally, one would see anger or defiance in his captives’ eyes. The violet eyes that halfheartedly glared at him were carefully and purposefully blank.

It seemed that punches were not going to bring about the demon's desired response. So Kitai critically gazed at Sanzo and considered his options. When he made up his mind, the demon allowed a wide fang-baring smile to cross his face as he approached the prone body.

Sanzo watched his captor approach with trepidation. That smile spoke of nothing good for him. He flinched when the brunette grabbed his left shoulder and yanked. This time he could not help the cut off groan of pain that escaped his unwilling throat. The monk hung awkwardly in the roots that bound him, his body protesting as his weight was now supported by a broken wrist and a dislocated shoulder. Still, Sanzo breathed through the pain and refused to let the out the whimper that would have escaped. Whimpers were for the weak, not for him.

'But you are weak.' a voice whispered maliciously in his mind. 'Weak and defiled.' He ruthlessly and desperately shoved that thought behind the walls of his mind. The monk had to focus on the danger in front of him and not on some...incident of times past.

"Now, now. Don't be like that." Kitai cooed at him. "You don't need to hide from me pet." Sanzo just rebelliously looked at him. "Maybe," he began "you just need to be shown who owns you." The brown haired demon placed a hand on the monk's right cheek; a mockery of a lover's caress that caused the blonde to try and jerk away from his touch. Out of the corner of his eye, Sanzo saw a clawed hand raise and amethyst eyes widened in realization just before the hand shredded the cloth from left shoulder to right hip.

Kitai took great care to shred both the robe and the leather undershirt that the monk wore. Five thin crimson lines bled lightly but steadily as the body in front of him tensed to a level that was damaging to his already damaged joints. But the pain didn't register. Sanzo didn't want to be this vulnerable in front of anyone, let alone a demon who was clearly trying to make him suffer. The cold made him shiver and the leer in the demon's eyes made him tremble in disgust. The hand that had been on his cheek stroked its way up to his blonde locks, then wrenched the monk's head to the side causing a gasp of discomfort to force its way past his lips.

"Let's see now." said Kitai smugly. "Maybe I should carve my name into you lovely shoulder. After all, I wouldn't want someone else laying a claim on you and that would make it perfectly clear to whom you belong. What do you think, pet?"

Sanzo croaked out a "Back off you son of a bitch." This bastard could go fu...drown himself in an active volcano for all he cared.

The demon tsked at him. "Oh well. I had hoped for your input, but it seems your attitude needs some work. Perhaps this will help tame you, hmm?" Sanzo felt a claw digging lightly into the skin just underneath his collarbone.

"Don't!" he ordered, trying to calm his racing heart. He also tried to quell the small amount of fear that managed to seep through. Along with the fear came the self-loathing. Was he really this pathetic?

All the blonde got for his efforts was a dark smile that he could only see from the corner of his eye. Sharp pain cut into his chest and the monk bit his tongue hard enough to taste blood to keep any sound that might escape in. Sanzo could feel the blood pouring down his chest. The bastard was cutting deep, trying to ensure that the marks would scar. 

"K." The son of a bitch was really spelling his name on him! The blonde struggled against his bindings and the hand that held him, adrenaline covering up the pain of his actions.

"I. Now don't struggle pet. It might make my marks look messy."

"Go...to...hell." Sanzo was getting light-headed. The blood he was losing combined with his confused mental state and the rush of hormones in his body was taking its toll.

Before Kitai could carve another mark into his skin, a loud "Sanzo!" was heard from above. The demon looked up and saw a gold-eyed man descend from the ceiling. Goku extended his nyoi-bo to jab between the green-eyed demon and Sanzo. "Sanzo, you okay?" The monkey turned to look over his shoulder at the monk he had come to rescue.

The blonde wanted to say 'Took you long enough, you useless monkey.' or 'You're late, shitty brat.' Something sarcastic to show that he was still himself despite appearances to the contrary. Unfortunately, the monk's mind had decided enough was enough and all that escaped was a pathetically whispered "Go..ku." before he fell unconscious.

Goku watched as Sanzo's body pulled him into unconsciousness. He examined the blonde monk and didn't like what he saw. The rage that the young man had forced down into the pits of his stomach threatened to spill over. "What did you do to him you son of a bitch?" he whispered dangerously.

Kitai looked at him, smirked, and said "You can see that for yourself."

"Fuck that shit!" Goku snapped. "None of the injuries you inflicted on him could have caused him to scream the way he did. So I'll ask again. What. Did. You. Do." The frigid aura that poured off of his frame could have frozen the very air they breathed. 

For some reason the demon in front of him looked delighted. "Oh you could hear that all the way up there? How marvelous. Doesn't he just sound beautiful when he's in agony?" Goku could fell the Seiten Taisei clawing to the surface. "But, unfortunately, nothing I did caused that lovely sound."

"Liar!"

"No, no." Kitai shook his head. "His own memories caused that one." The gold-eyed man stood stunned. "But really now." the demon continued "You should be ashamed of yourselves, the three of you up there." A stern countenance that was only half in jest appeared on the enemy's face

Goku was baffled, though he agreed to a certain extent. He, Gojyo, and Hakkai should be ashamed it took them this long to come to Sanzo's aid. "Why?"

"Because you're hogging this magnificent prey! Come on, don't tell me you've never pictured it."

"Pictured what?" the young man asked, though he had a sinking suspicion he knew what the green-eyed man in front of him was going to ask. Really, how many idiots thought you could gain immortality by...

"Why fucking him of course!" Okay, that was unexpected and enraging. "I mean, it's not like he wouldn't enjoy it."

"Sanzo wouldn't enjoy it, you sick fuck." Goku growled. "You think he wants someone like you to touch him? Sanzo's a virgin and wants to stay that way. He doesn't want anyone to touch him so no, I wouldn't."

For some reason, this statement made his opponent smile. "Oh this is just too perfect. How absolutely wonderful. But no matter. You want to fuck him. I can see it in your eyes. You think he's beautiful and you want him all to yourself. I can see why." Here the man in front of him looked past him to the monk hanging limply in his roots. "Tell you what though," he continued "I really don't feel like fighting right now. Way too much fun to be had. So I'll make you a deal. Leave me alone and I'll share him with you." It was the worst thing he could have said. 

Goku saw red and the rage that he had been pushing down exploded. Though he didn't have control of his body, he was aware of what was happening. It was like he had accessed the Taisei's rage and strength without taking off his coronet or allowing him control. Goku watched the fight as though it were happening to someone else. He looked on with savage glee as the demon in front of him was beaten to an unrecognizable pulp with his own hands. His clawed hands wrenched all of his joints out of their sockets. All of the features off his face mashed together into an unrecognizable mass of tissue and blood. He may have broken every bone in the demon's body for all he knew. But he didn't care. All that mattered was that there be nothing left of this filth, of the scum who had hurt his Sanzo.

When he finally returned to his body, he was panting and covered in the demon's blood. The young man looked at his fists: he had split them open with the force of his punches. Leaving the bloody heap, Goku turned to go free Sanzo and not a moment too soon. Without their master, the roots retreated and Sanzo began to drop. Fortunately, Goku was fast enough and gentled the fall. 

Looking at his sun, many things passed through his mind. What did that fucker mean when he said 'This is just too perfect'? What had caused Sanzo to scream like that? And why was he feeling like his heart was about to shatter when he looked down onto Sanzo's unconscious face? Goku shook his head. Now was not the time. He needed to get his monk up to Hakkai for healing. The brunette grabbed the Scripture and Sanzo's gun and then carefully arranged Sanzo so that the trip up would aggravate his injuries as little as possible. He picked up nyoi-bo, and extended the staff to bring them back to the surface.


	14. Goku in Charge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: mild violence and language

When Goku returned to the surface, their enemies had been defeated. It wasn't surprising; when Hakkai went all out, he was hard to beat. Still, seeing the havoc the vine demon had wrought gave Goku chills down his spine. He again reminded himself to never get on Hakkai's bad side.

The once tranquil forest clearing had been painted with blood. Red dripped from the leaves and had sprayed onto the grass in a fine mist. Off to the side, away from the center, the brunette saw the remains of the would-be assassins neatly stacked away, clearing the path and allowing the scavengers access to their meals.

Carrying him a fair distance away from the carnage, Goku laid Sanzo gently down and looked for his companions. The green-eyed brunette was sitting on the ground and leaning back against a tree, being careful to avoid his tender side. Apparently releasing his limiters had pushed Hakkai to the edge of exhaustion. Gojyo was also sitting against a tree. He was currently using two sticks and some strips of cloth from his shirt to create a makeshift brace for his injured leg. The blood that flowed from the slash above his eye had finally slowed and was seeping slowly down his face, the rusty color of the drying blood contrasting with his bright crimson locks. Their fight had not been without casualties, though he was only mildly injured himself, and Goku felt bad about what he had to do next.

"Hakkai, I need you to check Sanzo for life threatening injuries. Nothing I see looks serious, but he might be injured internally." It was the only explanation he could think of that might account for the blonde's scream.

Hakkai smiled wearily. "I have enough strength for that at least." Painfully, the human turned demon got up and shuffled over to their prone leader. Green chi surrounded his hands as he began to look over the wounded monk.

"Oi, monkey." Gojyo called out once he had finished fashioning his splint. "What happened down there?"

"There was one sick fuck down there." Goku stated furiously. "He wanted to keep Sanzo as some sort of pet or toy."

The redhead whistled soundlessly. "What made him..." the kappa trailed off, hesitant to know the answer.

"I don't know." he admitted. "That's why I’m having Hakkai look for anything we can't see on the surface."

"Nothing serious." the healer finally pronounced. "A broken wrist, a dislocated shoulder, some bruising around the rib-cage, and the cuts to his chest are the most severe injuries, but none of them would threaten his life. However," he continued "we need to stop the bleeding. Sanzo passed out because he's lost too much."

"Don't try to heal him 'Kai." Gojyo ordered sternly, recognizing the look on the man's face. "If you do, you'll pass out too and we'll have to drag both your asses to the nearest village."

"I'll bandage them." Goku's tone stopped their argument in its tracks. He began taking off his cape and ripping off strips to make bandages. "Gojyo, make a brace for Sanzo's wrist. We need to prevent it from moving around too much while we drive. Hakkai, help me reset his shoulder before I patch him up."

The two men looked at Goku in shock. Since when had the kid grown up enough to take charge like that? They quickly snapped out of it and got down to the tasks they had been given. Other than an unconscious grunt of pain when the pair reset his shoulder, Sanzo remained lying silently on the forest ground. Looking at the unconscious face of the monk, Goku felt his guilt pulling at him once more. Even completely comatose, the man who was his sun wore a grimace of pain. How could he have let this happen?

Resolutely pressing on, the young man gently wound the improvised bandages around Sanzo's torso, binding them tightly around the bruised section of his rib cage. When he reached to bandage the cuts that had begun to spell out something on his chest, Goku felt his anger rise. He wished he had something to wash the blood away, but there was nothing available. He took comfort by pressing the cloth against the wounds, stemming the bleeding and blotting out whatever the demon had been trying to carve into the monk's skin.

"Why?" he whispered without thinking, his hand gently brushing the golden strands of hair away from the monk's face. "Why do they always do things like this to Sanzo?" A warm hand clapping him on the shoulder caused him to jerk his hand away and startle. Turning, he saw burgundy eyes gazing at him calmly. Gojyo didn't say anything, but looked at Goku a little longer, offering whatever comfort he could before the hanyou moved to finish putting on the splint he had fashioned for the broken wrist laying next to the prone form. Hakkai smiled gently at him, though his eyes were tense as though he too wanted to know why of all people the monk was cursed with such awful karma.

Shaking himself out of whatever mood had overtaken him---'Sadness?', 'Guilt?,' 'Something else?'--- the sage returned to the task of patching his monk up well enough that they could move him. Once all that could be done had been, Hakkai called to Jeep to come for them. Jeep, sensing how tired his passengers were, drove as close to them as he could so that they wouldn't have to walk far. With a tired, grateful smile, Hakkai climbed into the driver's seat first. By silent consent, Gojyo took the passenger seat. Goku carried his monk carefully over to the Jeep and passed him to Gojyo to hold while he climbed into the back. 'If Sanzo were awake, he'd be cursing up a storm' the gold-eyed man thought without humor as he took the blonde back from the redhead and arranged him gently so that Sanzo's head rested on his thigh and his body lay across the seat.

With as gentle a start as they could, Jeep and Hakkai began to drive through the forest. "The next town is only a few hours away." the vine demon told the two coherent members of the group. "I'll try to get there as fast as I can."

Goku winced when Jeep hit a root on the dirt road cutting through the woods and tightened his loose grip on the monk. He glanced down to watch Sanzo carefully for any more signs of pain. 'I'm never letting him get hurt again!' he told himself, knowing that because of the life they led, such a promise was empty. But he was slightly comforted by the fact that, in the end, he had reclaimed his sun.


	15. Hurt and Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: language and suggestions of trauma

Sanzo stayed blessedly unconscious...for one lousy day. The afternoon after the battle, the monk was yanked back to reality by another nightmare. He shot straight up in bed with a gasp and covered in sweat. In the corner of his eyes, tears began to form; a fact which he refused to acknowledge.

After fully coming to, the blonde risked a glance around the room he had awoken in. His heart skipped a beat when he saw Hakkai occupying the second bed in the room. However, it seemed that for once fortune had smiled on him. The brunette barely stirred. Apparently the mending had taken a lot of energy from the healer.

Speaking of healing, now that the adrenaline had worked its way through his system, Sanzo noticed that he hurt. His shoulder throbbed, but at least it functioned when he gingerly moved it: he remembered that it had been dislocated, but it seemed okay now. When the monk gently moved his right wrist, it ached but he was relieved that at the very least he'd be able to shoot his banishing gun. He glanced to the bedside table and reassured himself that the sutra was neatly rolled up and his weapon was resting beside it, both in good shape. Thinking on his other wounds, Sanzo noticed that his ribs didn't hurt and that the letters that had been carved into his shoulder had vanished.

Breathing a quiet sigh of relief, the blonde allowed his mind to turn to other matters. He could no longer fool himself into believing that his nightmares were only dreams. The memory that had been triggered told him all he had tried to deny. Looking blankly at the hands resting loosely in his lap, Sanzo snorted in morbid amusement. It certainly explained some things: why he hated touch to the fervent extent that he did and one of the many reasons why he was unfit to be a Sanzo Priest. The gods were idiots for choosing someone as defiled as him to be the guardian of one of the most holy documents in existence. He could only think that the Merciful Goddess had arranged his appointment so that she could derive some sort of sick amusement from it.

A light knock on the door caused him to startle and he berated himself for jumping. The blonde didn't answer, but it appeared that the knock was merely a formality when the door was pushed open. A very familiar pair of gold eyes widened before a quiet voice, mindful of the sleeping man in the room, whispered "Sanzo? What're ya doing up?" Goku stood poised in the doorway, carrying a tray of food that was, presumably, for Hakkai.

The monk looked at him blankly for a moment before a memory of Goku plummeting down the tunnel to save him swam to the surface of his mind. Sanzo was briefly furious at himself for needing to be rescued, but after reminding himself of how useless he was, the feeling faded and was replaced with stoic acceptance. After a minute, the blonde monk realized that the teen was still waiting for a response. Trying frantically to gather his scattered thoughts, the amethyst eyed man settled on the most neutral excuse that came to mind. "We have to keep moving West. We can't travel if I'm laid up like some damn invalid."  
A frown appeared on the young looking face. "We can't travel yet. You're not fully healed and Hakkai's too tired from healing us to drive."

"Mah, mah, "a sleepy voice interjected. "Don't you worry Goku, Sanzo. I'll be fit as a fiddle in another day. But you'll need at least one more healing session Sanzo."

"You should eat something first Hakkai" said Goku. "And I'll get ya something too Sanzo."

"Hmph! What I'd like right now is a gods damned cigarette." Sanzo complained grumpily but with less authority than normal.  
The other two in the room looked at him quizzically for a moment before chalking the monk's behavior up to his wounds. The healer sighed and suggested, "You should eat something first. You haven't eaten anything for over a day you know. It will help you heal faster." The green eyed brunette knew better than to suggest that Sanzo hold off on smoking for now, and he also knew how to get the monk to do what he needed to. Their leader sat in silence for a moment staring straight ahead at the wall. After a while, the blonde acquiesced with a small nod.

If they found his behavior odd, the demons chose to ignore it in favor of getting some food into him. Goku placed the tray he had in his hands in front of Hakkai, saying "You eat up so you'll have your strength to heal." Looking over at his sun, the 'younger' brunette gave a small smile and said "I'll bring yours up right away, with your cigarettes." Another nod acknowledged the statement and Goku walked back down to the kitchen to finagle some more food from the cook.

Silence fell over the room as Hakkai began to eat and Sanzo resumed his staring, this time out the small, open window next to his bed. The monk was trying to keep his mind as blank as his expression to no avail. Although he refused to even think that term, the fact remained that he was not as untouched as he had believed himself or wanted himself to be. His thoughts were racing trying to adjust to the things he had relived. The blonde wished he could shove all of this shit back into whatever box it had emerged from and leave the ...incident, back in the past where it belonged. However, the fact that he hadn't been the one to kill those fu...sons of bitches or even the bastard that had brought all this rushing back to his mind weighed heavily on him.  
He flinched when a warm hand gently touched his uninjured shoulder and turned to see that Goku had returned with what he had promised. The young man looked confused, and slightly hurt, at his unexpectedly strong reaction. "I brought ya something to eat." He gestured to the tray resting on the side table next to his things. Some steaming ginger broth, rice and vegetable baozi had been placed on it and in the corner, his trusty Marlboros and lighter. Sanzo 'hmphed' and began to eat, despite the fact that he wasn't particularly hungry.

"All right then," Hakkai said and he smiled brightly once he had finished and after the monk had eaten all he was going to. "Let's take a look." Green chi glowed around his hands as the human turned demon began to heal his wrist and shoulder more. "So," the green eyed man began "what happened down there Sanzo?"

The monk stiffened and answered just as stiffly "You can see for yourself. The son of a bitch liked smacking people around." The healer frowned and debated the wisdom of asking the blonde man straight out what had made him scream. Surprisingly enough, Goku remained silent and only watched.

"Oi! How's the Princess?" a jocular voice called out from the hallway.

"Shut your mouth you shitty kappa." Sanzo's retort, while lacking its usual vehemence, was still angry enough that Hakkai eventually decided to drop the subject.

"He's healing well." the healer responded politely. "We'll be able to head out tomorrow."

"Damn straight we will." Sanzo muttered grumpily, earning an indulgent smile from Hakkai and an amused snort from Gojyo. Goku gave a short nod but remained disturbingly silent and focused on the demon healing Sanzo.

The monk was a little leery of the intense scrutiny but tried to shrug it off as the monkey's over-protectiveness acting up. He couldn't know that although Hakkai had given up on getting answers, Goku had not. Already the sage's lenience had caused problems for his sun. Whether the monk outright told the young man the answer or the brunette spied on the blonde until the answer became clear was irrelevant. He was getting to the bottom of this, for Sanzo's sake as well as his own.


	16. Reflection in the Early Moonlight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language, depressing thoughts, allusions to rape

That night, or rather very early the next morning, Sanzo was once more roused from his sleep by his recurring nightmare. For once, Sanzo was grateful that the process of healing took so much energy from Hakkai. His waking had involved a short startled cry that, had the demon been at full capacity, would have woken him immediately. As it was, the noise caused the sleeping demon to stir slightly from his deep sleep and then turn in his bed to face away from Sanzo.

The blonde tried to control his pounding heart and quiet his gasping breaths. He desperately wanted a cigarette, but he thought it prudent to at least wait until Hakkai fell back into a deeper sleep. Until then, the monk ran the risk that Hakkai might be disturbed enough to wake up because of any slight noise. After all, the demon was normally such a light sleeper. So he drew in as deep a breath as his stuttered breathing allowed and resolved to stay put until that occurred.

Unfortunately, sitting awake in a dark room with nothing else to occupy him caused his traitorous mind to reflect on his nightmares. Unconsciously wrapping his arms loosely around himself, Sanzo wished he could retreat into blank numbness because right now, he felt pulled in so many directions.

First, despair: he had always prided himself on the fact that, even though he had abandoned his other vows out of necessity, he had at least retained one virtue from his upbringing. Now that that was gone, what did he have left?

Next came anger towards the men who had tarnished him: and they called themselves monks, they who had espoused mercy, tolerance, and kindness and claimed to follow the teachings of Buddha as devout disciples. They had done this act, the one act that was as reprehensible as murder. For they had killed any innocence that had remained in his thirteen year old soul.

Then, shame: he was dirty, unclean, one who besmirched the title of Sanzo Priest and who tainted all he grew close to. His very existence was blasphemous. Nothing good, nothing of worth could come from him.

Finally, he was angry at himself. He had failed; failed to protect that which he had so greatly valued, failed to punish those who had taken it and , most importantly, failed his Master. He had allowed the man most worthy of the position of the holiest man in China to sacrifice himself for so unworthy a prize Assuredly there would be no forgiveness in this life or in any other. Not for him.

Disturbingly, woven into each of his conflicting emotions was fear. He feared the repercussions of his remembering. He feared that these nightly visions would become his new reality, that he would never be free from them. He feared his reactions when people touched him in the future. If he flinched even from someone he trusted touching him, how would he react to a stranger bumping against him as they walked through the streets? Or to a waitress brushing her hand against his when she put down the numerous plates of food onto the group's crowded table? And the thing he feared most was his companions finding out about him.  
His heart, which had been racing with his thoughts before, skipped a beat. No matter what he claimed, Sanzo kind of sort of cared for the three men who traveled with him. He didn't want to see their reactions when they found out. They'd all look at him with pity and he could clearly imagine the looks each would wear on their faces once they knew.

Hakkai would remember the incident with Kanan and be horrified that the blonde had chosen to live with and forget this sin rather than cleanse himself of it. Gojyo would be disgusted. How dare he be so hypocritical as to judge the redhead for his lifestyle. And Goku, well the young man would certainly stop looking up to him as his sun at the very least and would almost certainly understandably distance himself from the disgraced blonde.

In a way, at least Goku's reaction would be beneficial to the gold-eyed man. Sanzo wasn't someone anyone should look up to, even without this latest stain on his soul. Just because the monk was the one who had removed him from his mountain prison and the one who had been charged with his care didn't mean that the brunette should admire him so much. The blonde was lucky in that his Master, who had rescued him from the river, had been someone worthy of esteem. The sooner Goku realized that Sanzo was not worthy of his attention, the better.

But still, Sanzo didn't want Goku to find out about this. He didn't want something like that to be what opened the young man's eyes. The monk wanted the brunette to gradually come to realize this indisputable truth for himself. Sanzo himself was proof that suddenly cutting a bond like the one they shared and being forced to mature too early resulted in someone who was broken beyond repair.

Despite all his self-loathing and the disgust he felt towards himself, he couldn't bring himself to even consider suicide. Killing himself would render his Master's sacrifice even more pointless than it already was. Also, deep down, he was loathe to part with his life, dark hell hole that it was. Leaving it would only throw him either into a darker abyss or into a worse life than the one he currently had.

With all this in his mind, the blonde resolved that until the end of the journey, he would act as though everything was fine. He hoped that once the trip was done, Goku would be adult enough that he could safely break ties with him. The other two would drift back into their own world after the order that joined them disappeared. After the three were gone, he could take withdraw from the outside world and allow no one to get as close as his companions had.

His decision made, Sanzo looked to see if he could safely leave to go smoke yet. He had been so caught up in his reflections that the blonde hadn't been aware of the lightening sky. Even now, only the first few rays of the sun were just peeking over the horizon. Sanzo thought that even if he were to wake Hakkai by leaving the room, the healer would assume that he was following his routine of waking up early and wouldn't question him. Breathing a quiet sigh of relief now that the night was over and he could indulge his addiction, Sanzo rose, exited the room, and lit a cigarette immediately after he closed the door. With a lungful of soothing nicotine, he clutched his vice tightly in his hand and walked out into the chilly morning air.


	17. Good Day, Bad Day, Worse Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language and violence

The morning sky evolved from a dawn of pale pinks and oranges into a gauzy blue that nearly vanished into white. Sanzo watched the changes with rapt attention. Even something as pointless as sky-watching was preferable to dwelling on the past. He heard the inn door open and from the corner of his eye saw Hakkai step out with Jeep hitching a ride on his shoulder.

"It's a lovely day, don't you think Sanzo?" Hakkai asked, a happy smile on his face. "It's perfect weather for driving. Temperate, sunny and clear." A small happy "Kyu!" sounded like agreement from the dragon.

"Hn." Sanzo's response was interpreted as concurrence and the green-eyed demon gave him an amused indulgent look, ever mindful of the monk's reticence.

"Gojyo and Goku are up. They're waiting for us in the dining room." Sanzo raised an incredulous eyebrow. Since when did Goku actually get up on time? But the blonde guessed that the young man was awake because he was hungry and didn't want the hanyou to eat all of the food. Sanzo was pleased because it meant they could leave sooner since they didn't need to go through the difficult process of waking up the heavy sleeper. The monk followed the human turned demon into the dining room and encountered the typical rowdiness that characterized their meals.

"Don't start eating 'til Sanzo and Hakkai get here ya greedy kappa!" Goku was currently trying to pull the redhead's plate far enough away that the kappa couldn't reach it.

"Huh?! Why do I need to wait for that shitty monk? Hakkai said to go ahead and start without him!" Gojyo was reaching over the shorter demon's head and using his longer arms to try and grab his food back.

"It doesn't mean you can't wait two seconds ya impatient bastard!"

"Oho! Since when did you start acting so mature and worrying about shit like manners huh brat?!"

"Since YOU decided to act your shoe size rather than your age! Get your grabby hands away from me, pervert!"

"Then give me back my food you stingy prick! Damn, you takin' asshole lessons from the Prissy Priest?!"

Sanzo had enough. Two bullets shot between the pair of struggling demons. "Shut up and act like civilized people for once in your goddamn lives!" he roared, putting an end to their fight as effectively as his bullets.

Always quick to recover from the blonde's chastisement , Goku returned Gojyo's plate and looked over towards the monk with a sunny smile on his face. "G'Morning Sanzo! How're you feeling?" When he asked the questions, gold eyes confirmed his concern.

"Hmph! It's going to take a lot more than that to keep me down." Sanzo stated smugly, acknowledging and relieving the 'younger' brunette's anxiety with his usual gruff aplomb. He sat down and began to eat, much to the relief of Hakkai and Goku. He hadn't eaten much yesterday and was obviously making up for lost calories.

Aside from a couple of quickly subdued arguments, the meal passed peacefully. After paying their bill, sans the monk's feared brushing of hands, the violet-eyed man sent Goku and Gojyo up to fetch their baggage while he and Hakkai climbed into the newly transformed Jeep. They sat in a companionable silence until it was interrupted by the thud of laden feet walking across wood floors and the bickering of the backseat duo. It quickly subsided when they emerged with their cargo, stowed it in the back, and clambered into their respective seats. The quartet drove off in a cloud of dust, hopefully leaving behind the memories of their hard-won fight.

The only speaking that occurred for the next few hours was when Hakkai and Sanzo consulted over the map for the fastest road leading West. Then an argument over who was taking up more room in the back seat erupted and was quickly ended by two excessively hard whacks of a harisen. All in all, the day passed normally. They didn't even run into a group of assassins after the Scripture.

Their odd peace was not to last. For in the hours of early dusk, the group encountered something that they had not yet faced on their journey: human thieves.

"Hold it right there!" the largest and bulkiest of the three men who stood before them shouted.

Hakkai brought the Jeep to a smooth stop and began to address the man in front of him. "Can we help you with something?" It was asked pleasantly, but there was underlying steel in the tone.

"Drop all of your valuables and we'll let you leave with your lives." Several more men crept out from behind some of the tall bushes that bracketed the road. Four more to be exact; two in front and two behind the Party.

Sanzo snorted, drawing the leader's attention to him with a sharp glance. "Are you guys morons?" The men drew themselves up stiffly and looked like they were going to retort but before they had a chance, the monk continued. "We don't have anything of real value. Some threadbare clothes, traveling rations, and what you see here is it."

The man's dark eyes studied the group in front of him. He smirked and said, "Then leave your vehicle. We can probably pawn it for a lot of money."

A poof of smoke and an indignant "Kyu!" caused the troop of villains in front of them to take a startled step back. Hakkai smiled with smug civility "As you can see, this is also impossible." It was quite amusing for the four men to watch the thieves' leader grind his teeth in frustration at the fact that he had chosen his prey poorly. If only he knew how poorly.

"Oi boss," one of the unkempt cronies loudly whispered "We should just let 'em go. They got nothin' of value and we're burning daylight here." A penetrating glare caused the man to shuffle back, admonished.

Another dark haired man to the left of the leader actually leaned in and truly whispered into his ear. It wasn't audible, but whatever it was caused a sinister smile to appear of the bear of a man's face.

"I like the way you think Baichi. Alright then, we'll do as you say. We'll take what we see." While it took a moment for Gojyo and Goku to realize what he was getting at, Hakkai dismissed it as absolutely foolish and impossible. Sanzo, on the other hand, knew exactly what they were talking about and felt a dark emotion take hold of him.

In the pit of his stomach, the monk experienced an unfamiliar feeling of rage and fear, though the sensation was quickly becoming very common. Goku, sensing the shift in Sanzo's posture and aura glanced at the blonde and was stunned by the absolute fury that covered his face.

Finally Gojyo realized what they were getting at and began to roar with laughter. "You guys really are morons! There's no way you guys stand a chance against us!"

"Besides, anyone you try to sell us to would find themselves cheated out of their money." Hakkai contributed, though he no longer wore a smile. Hearing that, Goku finally understood what they were getting at and also found himself laughing at their foolishness.

"We don't give a shit about what happens to ya after we get our money. How much you think they're worth boys?" the boss asked nonchalantly as he armed himself with a large club.

"The other three probably aren't worth much." Baichi replied. "But the blonde," He whistled tonelessly. "I bet he'd be worth a bunch. He's pretty, almost like a girl." A chorus of laughter erupted all around the group as the men began raising their weapons. "Too bad his personality doesn't match." More laughter.

Seeing that the humans intended to fight, Hakkai turned to Gojyo and Goku to remind them that they were only human and therefore the group couldn't kill them or use the full force of their strength. But before he even got a word out, shots rang out in the darkening evening sky and the presence of the one human in their group vanished. Stunned, Hakkai turned in time to see three men crumple to the ground in front of him. The leader and the one known as Baichi looked on stunned before the priest unleashed his fury on them. For the leader he spared little time. Sanzo broke his neck with a quick flick of his wrist and, before the man even hit the ground, was already tackling the other one to the dusty road. Sitting astride the much larger figure of the bandit, the monk furiously pounded his fists into his face, neck and torso, not even allowing the man enough of a respite to fight back.

After seeing their leader defeated, the two men behind the Sanzo Party escaped into the night. The three demons stood still in shock before Hakkai regained enough of his wits to call out "Sanzo stop!" and run to restrain the man currently beating the life out of another human being. When he grabbed the wrist of the arm pulled back to deliver another punch, the blonde whirled around and went to punch the green-eyed man as well. "Sanzo..." the demon's betrayed whisper brought enough of the monk's wits back to him to stop himself before he could connect with Hakkai's nose.

All that broke the silence that descended was Sanzo's laborious panting. He wrenched his arm out of the brunette's grasp and struggled to his feet.

"What was that about?" Gojyo asked, disbelieving of what he saw.

"I would like to know the answer too Sanzo." Hakkai's tone spoke of his unwillingness to let this one drop.

"Nothing." the monk replied stubbornly "He just pissed me off is all."

"That was more than pissed off and you know it." the human turned demon was rapidly losing his composure. "What the hell happened?"

The set of the blonde's jaw told them all that they were not going to get anything out of him. At least not that night. Gojyo warily watched the monk, ready to act at the slightest hint of whatever madness had crept over the monk returning. Hakkai stared at Sanzo with a look that said they weren't finished with this topic yet. The monk's look said the issue was dropped. Permanently. Goku remained silent but worried, convinced that this was the sign of odd behavior he had been looking for but unsure of how to interpret it.

"Let's go. We still need to set up camp." the blonde ordered imperiously. The group saw the logic in this; they could deal with what had happened once they were settled and off of the road. Jeep transformed back and the four men climbed in silently and drove off in a silence that seemed to chill the air around them.


	18. Dodging Bullets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language

The next hour or so was spent in a tense silence as the group drove away from the site of the assault. Hakkai was grimly focused on the road and didn't look away for even a moment. His lips were pressed so tightly together that they turned white, a sure sign he was not only angry, but furious. Gojyo was staring through Sanzo, trying to figure out what had set him off on such a rampage. Goku was carefully observing the monk, trying to figure out what this behavior signified and what needed to be done to fix it. Sanzo was steadfastly ignoring the rest of the passengers and glaring at the sky.

After the sun had fully set and the moon had risen over the horizon, Hakkai spotted a small brook slightly off of the road. The area around it was flat and relatively devoid of rocks and so, despite the lack of adequate cover, the quartet pulled into the area and began setting up camp. The tenseness continued as each man went about a chore of his own choosing. None of them were ready to address what had happened and were trying to distract themselves and postpone the inevitable fight. Even Sanzo, who normally sat by and smoked while the other three set up camp began collecting water from the stream nearby to distract him from the frigid atmosphere that surrounded the group.

However, the inevitable could only be deterred for so long and soon everything was ready. Food was cooking over the fire pit, water was being sipped, and their shelters had been erected. Nothing could hold off the confrontation any longer.

"So Sanzo," From the way Hakkai said that, the blonde knew he was in for it. "Care to explain that little escapade?" The human turned demon had no smile on his face. There was a dangerous glint in his good eye that bespoke his foul mood.

"Those bastards were planning on selling us." Sanzo stated, looking at Hakkai like he was a moron for forgetting that fact. "There was no way I was going to let them get away with it."

"That's not a good excuse." the green-eyed demon said, obviously trying to control his temper. "You didn't need to kill them to stop them from selling us. We could have beaten them up without the excess violence. You went too far!" By the end of his lecture, Hakkai had wound himself up enough to start yelling at the unrepentant blonde. Hakkai was not above killing someone should there be a just cause, but the level of violence in the monk's response had been disproportionate to the actual event itself. 

"Yeah, sure!" Sanzo roared back. "And let others, ones who may not be able to defend themselves as well, suffer the indignity of being sold like cattle!"

"Since when did other people factor into your thought processes?!" That was a low blow and Hakkai knew it the moment it had escaped his mouth. A dangerous wrathful silence followed that pronouncement.

Gojyo and Goku watched the two argue back and forth, neither one willing to insert themselves into the dialogue. The redhead felt that Hakkai was addressing the whole exchange with the bandits perfectly. The gold-eyed man wanted this to be over so that he could talk to Sanzo about it without having people blow up at each other.

"Did you honestly ask me that?" Sanzo whispered furiously. "I couldn't stand by and let them get away with treating people like things. We aren't toys!" The 'we' that had snuck out went unnoticed by Hakkai who was too worked up to think with his usual level of clarity. But Goku noticed and put that in the back of his mind for further consideration.

Mildly chastised, Hakkai responded with "You still didn't need to kill them."

"Scum like that don't deserve to live."

Gojyo and Hakkai saw that no matter what they said the monk would not feel guilty about killing them. But they also recognized that the reasons he gave, at least the last two, were what he truly felt when attacking them. What had set him off so badly was the bandits' lack of regard for human dignity. And what had determined his ferocity was his firm belief that people who treated people like things only warranted death.

Silence once again fell over the clearing as each man collected their thoughts. Goku broke it by saying, "What's done is done. And no amount of arguing or what-ifs is going to change what happened." The other three looked at him in surprise. But then some of the tension that had surrounded the men dissipated.

"For once, I agree with the monkey." Gojyo finally interjected. Turning to Hakkai he said "We may not agree with what he did 'Kai. In fact I know we don't, but nothing we do or say at this point is going to change anything."

"You're right, both of you." the self-made demon conceded. Shooting a sharp glance at Sanzo he made his thoughts clear. "I don't believe what you did was right. But I also know that once you've decided on something, you see it through, despite the consequences thereof. I won't question you about this anymore. But I will insist that you refrain from doing something like this again."

Sanzo said nothing but the look on his face clearly said 'I won't promise anything. If I come across people like that again, I will not feel guilty about killing them too.'

With a sigh of resignation, the oppressive air around Hakkai finally lifted. The food had finished cooking while they had been talking and so the four men dug in. Throughout the meal, the vine demon remained cool towards Sanzo, a mood that everyone was sure would remain for several more days. Though their meal was quieter than most of their dinners, conversation was not forced and the emotions that had run high settled into a state of semi-normalcy.

As he sated his voracious appetite, Goku watched Sanzo. He suspected that the monk was not as unaffected by the deaths as he portrayed. His belief was solidified when he saw how little the monk ate and how many cigarettes he used up during the meal. He resolved to talk to Sanzo before he went to bed.

After they had finished eating, Hakkai announced the watch schedule. Goku would take first watch, Gojyo second, Sanzo third, and Hakkai fourth. His cool attitude towards the monk showed when he assigned Sanzo the least favorable shift. But in demonstration of Sanzo's turbulent mood, the blonde didn't comment or complain and merely nodded his assent.

Each stayed up a little longer, digesting both the food and their thoughts before turning in. Hakkai and Gojyo went immediately to their bedrolls and tried to fall asleep. Sanzo on the other stayed up and smoked, looking vacantly into the flames in the pit before him. Goku knew this was his chance and settled himself on the other side of the fire facing the monk.

He didn't say anything at first, but after gathering his thoughts finally said "Hey Sanzo, does this have anything to do with what happened a couple days ago?"

Sanzo jerked out of whatever trance he had been in and looked at Goku incredulously. "What in hell gave you that idea?!"

"Well, Hakkai was kinda right. I mean, normally you wouldn't kill 'em. You'd let us beat them up for ya."

"Drop it Goku. I'm not going to apologize for it and I don't want to talk about it anymore." the violet-eyed man said resolutely.

"I don't expect ya to apologize." Goku ignored the look of disbelief that the monk sent his way. "I just wanna know why."

"Goku," Things were serious now. Sanzo was referring to him by name. "Just leave it-"

"I heard you scream." Goku softly stated, interrupting whatever else the man was going to say. The statement stunned Sanzo and for a moment, the monk thought about denying it. The look in the brunette's eyes was one of impossible knowledge. He knew, and he wasn't going to let Sanzo lie to him.

The blonde was quiet for a moment and then said, softly enough that even Goku's demon ears had problems hearing it over the crackle of the flames and the gentle babbling of the brook, "It has nothing to do with that." This was stated with a look of absolute belief on the monk's face but it was spoken with a lack conviction that made the gold-eyed man doubt its validity. Goku decided to ignore this uncertainty in favor of getting an answer to his most pressing question.

"Then what made you scream like that, Sanzo?"

"Why does it matter?" the monk desperately tried to think of a way to direct the conversation away from himself.

"Because I'm worried about ya!" the brunette said with a level of emotion that concerned the monk.

"Well you worry too much." Sanzo said and then hit upon how to turn this conversation in a more beneficial direction. "Who worries about someone enough to watch them every damn day? What the hell is wrong with you?"

It was Goku's turn to be quiet for a moment. He hadn't noticed that the monk was aware that he was watching him with such frequency. He didn't know how to answer the question. Why did he worry so much? Why was Sanzo so important to him? Just because the man was his sun? He went with the simplest answer. "You're important to me."

"I shouldn't be that important to you." The blonde retorted, though it was said gently as if to spare the sage's feelings.

"But you are! You're my sun!"

Sanzo cringed. This was what he meant when he thought about his relationship with Goku. The kid was so grateful that the monk had saved him that it blinded him to all of his flaws. 'I guess in that respect I am like the sun' he thought without humor. What he said was "You're confusing gratitude for admiration. I'm not anybody's sun."

Goku slumped where he sat. He wasn't confusing the two emotions, but when he addressed Sanzo as his sun it made it seem as though he was only grateful. He was grateful. How couldn't he be, when the monk had rescued him from his solitude? And he did admire Sanzo, it wasn't at all like the man thought. He thought Sanzo was a great man, someone who he could depend on, and Goku admired that consistency. When he said that the monk was his sun, he meant that the man was important to him. He might even be convinced to say that the monk was the most important person to him. The brunette sat up straight at the thought, causing the blonde to look at him funny.

Why was Sanzo the most important person to him? Only because he saved him or because he had taken him in and cared for him? Hakkai and Gojyo cared for him too, but the feelings he had for them were completely different from the ones he had for Sanzo. Why did the warm feeling blooming in his chest when he thought about the monk feel different from the one he felt when he thought of his other two precious friends? Until he could answer those questions he had no answer for the one Sanzo had posed.

Sanzo watched the play of emotions across Goku's expressive face. It was an odd assortment; depression, happiness, and confusion in quick succession. Maybe the monkey was finally starting to figure out how little the monk should mean to him. Content that this conversation had gotten the brunette to start thinking about seeing Sanzo for who he really was rather than as his savior, the monk got to his feet causing Goku to look up at him startled.

"See what I mean?" By the look of confusion on his face, Sanzo guessed that Goku didn't get what he meant just yet. But it was a step in the right direction. "Think on that while you're on watch. You'll figure it out eventually. You are occasionally capable of intelligent thought." With that parting sentiment, Sanzo walked towards his bedroll, preparing himself to face the nightmares he knew waited for him when he closed his eyes.


	19. The Road Goes Ever On

He jerked awake when he felt a hand on his shoulder and nearly reached for his gun when he heard a sleepily mumbled "Sanzo." As the sleep cleared from his eyes he saw Gojyo hovering over him. The hanyou was waking him up so he could take his turn at watch. The blonde nodded to show he understood and the redhead stumbled over to his sleeping mat.

He sat up and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm his racing heart. Thankfully, he had only recently fallen asleep. It was much more difficult to convince his body he needed sleep when his mind fought unconsciousness with every neuron it possessed. However, because of this, he hadn't been too far along into his nightly nightmare when Gojyo had woken him. If the kappa had woken him even just a little later...Sanzo didn't want to think about what might have happened.

The monk grabbed his cigarettes and made his way over to the gently glowing embers which were all that remained of the fire. He snorted. Gojyo had probably dozed while he was on watch and let the fire die down. It annoyed him, but he could understand why. The events of the day... He cut that thought off with a shake of his head. It was easier to just be annoyed.  
He spent a couple of minutes rekindling the fire. Soon, it was burning brightly again. Sanzo lit a cigarette and sat down by the fireside. The blonde watched as the smoke swirled up into the night sky and was momentarily distracted by the brightness of the stars. But as his eyes wandered the heavens, he could feel his mind begin to do the same. The monk's thoughts drifted to the contents of his nightmares. He growled and shook his head. Enough. It was pathetic of him to linger on things that could not be changed.

'But you are pathetic.' a voice in his head taunted. 'You fail at everything. You couldn't even keep yourself in check when you confronted those bandits. Now the others know something's up.'

Sanzo winced. He obviously hadn't planned on killing them, but when he heard their plans for them he just snapped. But those fuc...bastards deserved to die for what they were suggesting. He had done the world a favor by getting rid of them.

'Sure you did' the voice replied sarcastically. 'Just like the favor you'd do the world by getting rid of yourself, but you're not exactly going along with that are you?'

He had a job to do. He couldn't leave it up to those three. And if he killed himself, then his Master had died for nothing.

'He died for nothing anyway.'

Sanzo couldn't exactly argue with that. But regardless, he couldn't allow himself to be even more of an asshole and leave this journey to his companions. He was already an asshole for making them put up with his stained existence. If he left them with the burden of his task as well then he was just pushing his problems off onto other people. And he refused to do that to the people he secretly thought of as friends.

'Friends? You don't deserve friends. You're already burdening them by letting them wander around with a whore in their presence. Don't sully them even more by letting them think of you as a friend. Once they knew...'

The blonde clutched his hands to his head and yanked at his hair, his cigarette falling spent at his feet. He already knew that. That's why he refused to let them in. And as for them knowing, he'd make sure they never found out. He'd been through this before. Sanzo had already sworn that they would never know.

'But now they know something's up. You really think they're going to accept this latest escapade as normal? Do you really think Goku let your lame ass explanation deter him from finding out what had happed with that psycho? You think Hakkai's not going to figure out that you're hiding something and find ways to coax the truth out of you? Hell even Gojyo will notice something's up!'

The monk's heart skipped a beat and his eyes widened in realization. How could he be so stupid? No matter how he tried to explain it, this was out of character. Of course they would realize something was up.

There was a loud crack. Sanzo jumped and looked around wildly. Seeing nothing, he looked down at the fire. Another crack rang out and he breathed a sigh of relief. It was only the fire. He grabbed another cigarette and indulged his addiction once more. He looked up to the sky and thought about how he was going to fix this.

Maybe he wouldn't have to explain it. He had done things outside of the norm before and, though they had been curious and inquisitive at first, he had managed to deflect them away from it. Like when he was captured by that sand demon and nearly eaten. He had snapped and beat the bitch more than he would have normally. Goku had brought him back to his senses that time. Maybe this time he could play it off as Hakkai turning him back to himself. Or maybe if he ignored it long enough, holding his silence longer than they held their curiosity, they would eventually forget about it. It had worked last time. All he had to do was be more stubborn than his companions were. Not that hard.

"Sanzo?" The monk jerked and whipped his head around to see who had called his name. Standing a small distance behind him stood Hakkai, a look of confusion briefly appearing on his face before he covered it up with indifference. "What are you doing up?" he asked politely. "It's morning and you didn't wake me for my shift."

It was true. He just noticed how light it was. Sanzo quickly thought up an excuse that would be plausible. "Just wanted a smoke and didn't want you bitching at me."

"I see," the brunette replied frigidly. "Well, you obviously have your reasons." The monk did not miss the sarcastic emphasis on the "obviously have your reasons", but he chose to ignore it. "I guess I'll wake up the other two."

Hakkai set about doing that with much more cheerfulness than he had shown the monk, but it was to be expected. Sanzo turned back to the fire. He would just need to wait it out. Then everything would be fine and he'd be safe.


	20. Betrayal Knows My Name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: GRAPHIC Rape, language, may be triggering

He was kneeling in absolute darkness. Not a single ray of light illuminated it and it was utterly silent. There was nothing and he was content. This was much better than...something. He couldn't remember what, but he knew this emptiness was much better. And so, of course, it couldn't last.

"Look at him. He's even more beautiful now than he was then." a terrifyingly familiar voice said lasciviously, echoing from out of the darkness. It caused him to tremble, but he couldn't move from his position on the floor. Unseen fingers wove into his gold hair and yanked his head back causing him to gasp in surprise. His trembling increased as four huge faceless bodies began to materialize in front of him.

"I don't know." a second voice responded. "He looks and sounds a lot more male now than he did before."  
"Yeah, but a lot has stayed the same too." the first voice returned. "The same bright locks, the same deep purple eyes, and the same ivory skin." He scoffed. "Even the same expression of disdain."

"And some has gotten better." a third voice chimed in. "Look at how long his limbs have gotten, how pronounced his features." Suddenly his clothes vanished and he was kneeling naked before them. He grit his teeth and tried to force his unresponsive body to move. He was stronger now than he was then. He would not only be able to stop them, but also to take his revenge for what had happened those many years ago, but his body just sat there ignoring his brain's commands. He wasn't even tensing despite the fact that his mind was very edgy right now. There was some sort of disconnect between his body and his mind.

"The slut's a lot more cooperative this time around." a fourth voice said with sadistic glee.

"Maybe now he's realized that this is all he's good for." The hand in his hair tightened even more causing him to vocalize his discomfort in a low groan. "Accepting this fact has probably caused him to want it."

"No, I don't." At least his mouth worked. "Leave me alone." He hated how thin and weak his voice sounded. He tried to convince himself that it was because the angle of his neck was strangling him.

"You don't seem so sure Princess." That familiar term purred in his ear almost caused him to cry. Even though he didn't like when Gojyo called him that, he tolerated it because he cared about the redhead. To hear it from his tormentor's mouth was unbearable and it forever tarnished what he had shared with the hanyou.

"Don't call me that. Don't you ever call me that." The lump in his throat caused his demand to come out as a pathetic plea. "Go away. Leave me alone." he whispered urgently. This couldn't be happening. He was supposed to be stronger than this!  
His desperation must have slipped through in his tone because the men surrounding him began to laugh; loud mocking laughter that echoed all around him. Tears welled up in his eyes but he refused to let them fall. He bit his lip and clenched his eyes shut. All his efforts were for naught however. As soon as he closed his eyes he felt hands roaming all over him. Tears flowed down his face unchecked. Including the hair that was in his hair there should only be eight hands molesting him. It felt more like twenty, all running over every inch of his exposed body.

Against his will he heard himself cry out "Help! Someone help! Please!" His fear and anguish finally lent his voice enough strength to be heard over the raucous laughter. It was very unlike him to call for help, crazy even. But the situation demanded something drastic, and it seemed to work. The hands touching him vanished one by one. The sounds of a struggle told him that someone had heard his plea. Finally, the hand restraining his head disappeared and he allowed his head to fall forward to rest his strained neck. A well-known pair of brown boots stood before him. 

"You okay Sanzo?" He slowly lifted his head until he was staring into concerned gold eyes. Goku was standing there looking very distressed. The first thing he felt was relief. Someone had come for him. But it quickly changed to distress. The young man had seen him essentially allowing men to grab and touch him. The brunette was surely disgusted with him. 

He was startled when a hand reached out towards him. Goku had extended his hand to help him to stand. He gingerly grabbed it and allowed the stronger male to pull him to his feet. For some reason he still felt uneasy. Goku kept holding his hand and looking at him expectantly. He realized he hadn't answered his question. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay."

A very unsettling smile crept across the youthful face in front of him. "Good. Then maybe you can do something for me now." Everything about this situation was wrong. Since when did Goku ever ask for a reward for saving him? But he conceded that the brunette deserved some sort of thanks for saving him.

"What do you want?" he asked warily. He assumed it was enough food to make the Sanbutsushin cringe. Therefore he was shocked when his hand was strongly tugged and he felt himself press up against Goku's shorter body. "Wha-" The question never left his mouth. The young man's mouth had forcefully collided with his own. He stilled. What the hell was this?

When Goku finally relinquished his mouth, he said with a huge leer "I think it's only fair if you allow me to enjoy what I saved." The hand not currently restraining his own slithered around his waist and began caressing the skin at the base of his spine right above his ass.

He was so shocked that it took him longer than it should have to figure out what Goku wanted. Once he realized it, he began to fight against the hands that held him so possessively. "No! Don't do this!" he shouted desperately. How could he? How could Goku; clueless, naive Goku, do this to him?

The gold eyed man frowned displeased. "So it's okay for total strangers to touch ya but not for your savior? You are one strange whore Sanzo." When that loathsome word erupted from Goku's mouth he stopped struggling in disbelief. Did he just call him a whore? He felt tears begin to fall down his face. He had trusted Goku. Why was he doing this to him?

"That's better." Goku's voice called him back to the situation at hand. He was frightened to see Goku standing naked before him. When had he taken off his clothes? The brunette began arranging him flat onto his back. His shock and hurt were so strong that he didn't even begin to fight it until he felt Goku kneel between his spread legs and run one of his hands up his thigh. The other hand rested on his hipbone, pinning him with his demonic strength. He tried to twist and squirm out of the bruising grip. His tears were so numerous that they practically blinded him. Despite that, Goku's smirk remained in perfect focus.

Through his weeping he begged "Please. Please don't." But it was too late. The pain that had become very well-known to him burst forth from his ass. He screamed and cried but all that happened was that Goku began to laugh. The high mocking laugh that accompanied his nightmares came forth from the one he trusted most in the world.

As he felt the brunette ravage him, all he could think was that he had been betrayed again. And it hurt. So much more than the pain he was feeling now. It hurt more than anything he had felt in his life. Betrayal hurt.

Sanzo's tears and screams followed him into the waking world but his fear was so profound that he never realized this fact. As he panted and tried to steady his aching and racing heart, the blonde was repeating a mantra over and over in his head. 'It was just a dream. Goku would never do something like that. It was just a dream.' 

After several minutes, his breathing finally settled down. The monk drew his knees up to his chest and rested his head and arms on them. Consciously he knew that Goku would never do something like he had just witnessed. But whenever Sanzo thought about seeing the brunette the next morning he started to panic. 

He stared despondently out of the window of his hotel room. He knew that things were going to be difficult over the next few days. If he continued to let this nightmare dictate how he saw the young man, then he was going to do something he regretted. 

Grabbing his cigarettes, he walked out of the room and out underneath the cloudy night sky. He spent the rest of the night telling himself that everything would be okay, that he could get through this and not let anything change. By morning, he almost had himself convinced.


	21. A Moonlit Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language and sexual themes

He was sitting on the pebbly shore of the hugest lake he had ever seen. It was so big that even with his demon eyesight he couldn't see the other side of it. It stretched out and faded into the horizon. Hung up high in the sky was the largest and brightest moon he had seen in his long life. Its silver light nearly drowned out the surrounding stars. He was gazing up at them, trying to find the ones Hakkai had taught him the names of, when he heard the soft sound of something moving through the water. He looked down, expecting to see a fish or bird. Instead, he saw a sight that made his mouth water.

A few feet away, about waist deep in the water, stood Sanzo. It looked as though he had been bathing because not a shred of clothing covered him. He knew he should look away. If the monk caught him he'd be in a lot of trouble. Sanzo was significantly more body conscious than the rest of them, but he couldn't drag his eyes away.

The light of the moon reflected off of the golden strands of his hair, turning them almost white. His pale skin practically glowed. Sanzo was covered in water droplets. He followed one with his eyes as it moved down the pronounced collar bone, over a toned chest, and down a flat stomach to meet the water just barely covering his groin. When he looked back up, his mouth suddenly dried and a sense of dread came over him. Sanzo was looking right at him, his violet eyes piercing in the bright light.

He was about to apologize when something amazing happened. Sanzo smiled. A small smile to be sure, but a true one nonetheless. It didn't have a trace of disdain in it and it wasn't sarcastic in the least. It was one of the few genuine smiles that he had seen in all his time with the blonde.

As he tried to get his brain to work again, the monk extended a slim, gun-calloused hand. He stared at it dumbly for a while before looking up into the man's face for some sort of instruction. One eyebrow arched. His expression seemed to say 'Well, you coming in? Or am I going to stand here holding my hand out all night?' He stood as though in a trance and walked forward. As he walked, all his clothes vanished into thin air, but he barely noticed it. He was way too caught up in the moment to notice such a small detail.

When he was within reach, he put his hand into the one that had been extended. He had thought that Sanzo was going to drop it before he grabbed it so he was surprised when he felt those long fingers curl around his hand. He was gently pulled forward to stand only a few inches from the monk.

Though he had grown throughout the course of his journey, he still only came up to the blonde's chin and so had to look up slightly to stare into those bright eyes. He was close enough to feel the warmth pouring off of him. They stood there for a moment that seemed to go on for a long time before he decided to be a little bit daring.

He laced his fingers with the ones clasped about his hand. Sanzo allowed it. He moved close enough that he was brushing up against the blonde. Sanzo allowed it. He moved his face closer and closer to the face that hovered above his own. Sanzo allowed it. And when he pushed his lips gently against the thin ones above him, Sanzo responded. It was a slow kiss, full of exploration and nervousness, but as he felt the monk moving with him, he became more confident. He let his free hand wrap around the slim waist and rested his palm against the smooth skin of Sanzo's lower back. He turned his head and fit their lips closer together. He pressed himself more firmly against the hard body in front of him and intensified the kiss, allowing more passion to flow into it.

Throughout it all, Sanzo responded favorably. The monk slid his free hand into his short hair, cradling his head in his palm. The blonde allowed himself to relax against his body when he pressed closer. He returned every bit of passion that was put into the kiss.

He was getting hard. That firm body, the passion in the kiss, the man's responsiveness were all combining into a big ball of longing that lodged itself in his chest. He allowed the hand that had been resting lightly above the water line to slide down the smooth slope of Sanzo's ass. The monk gasped and tore his mouth away.

He jerked his hand away, fearing that he had pushed his luck. But when he snapped his eyes open, all he saw was lust-filled amethyst eyes staring down at him. Sanzo bent his head down like he was going to whisper something in his ear, and he felt an answering erection brush against his thigh. He moaned and moved to capture the monk's mouth once again. He thought that he must have died, because this sure felt like heaven.

Goku jerked awake and sat up in his bed. His heart was racing and he was panting as though he had run a marathon. The blankets at his waist were tented and he was painfully hard down below. However, he ignored that in favor of trying to figure out what the hell his dream was about.

He remembered bright gold hair, lust-clouded violet eyes, and gun-calloused fingers laced with his own. He groaned in despair. He had just had a wet dream about Sanzo. Of all the people in the world, he had dreamed about being intimate with Sanzo. Goku clutched his head and pulled at his hair. Sure Sanzo was attractive, but he had never dreamed about the man that way.

He frowned. That wasn't true. 

When he had first come to stay with the monk, he had been physically attracted to the man. He would have had to have been blind not to be. But after a while, he had come to understand that Sanzo hated to be seen as pretty or an ornament to be stared at. So he had allowed those feelings to fade and instead focused on how much he enjoyed being with the man who had freed him from his lonely prison.

He had come to enjoy spending time with the man, no matter how grumpy he was. He liked helping him with his work. He hadn't been allowed to help with the paperwork too much because he tended to make the documents into paper airplanes, so he had helped out around the temple grounds. Goku had even come to relish causing a little bit of mayhem and riling him up, just to see Sanzo stomping across the temple grounds to scold him. So why were these feeling returning now of all times?  
'It's all that asshole's fault' he though angrily. 'That damn sick fuck put these thoughts in my head!' 

After he thought that, he felt his heart clench painfully. Hadn't that pervert said that Goku felt the same way he did? He had even offered to let him fuck Sanzo just so he wouldn't have to fight him. At the time, he was furious to even have that suggested to him but now here he was, having a wet dream about the same man he had said hated that sort of thing. He felt sick. He was just as bad as all those morons who stared at Sanzo, who grabbed him without his permission, or who whispered about what it would be like to fuck him in tones low enough that only the demons in the group could hear. The only reason he had been tolerated so long was because he was able to bury those urges deep enough to be ignored.

He drew his knees up to his chest, folded his arms across his knees and buried his face in them. He nearly wept. How could he be so sick, so perverted, so awful as to want to do that to the one he admired most in the world?

He stayed like that until the sky began to lighten with the coming of morning, consumed with self-loathing. But as the sun came over the horizon he resolved to keep his distance until he could get rid of these feelings once and for all. Deep down, he knew that probably wasn't possible, but he damn well was going to try. For Sanzo's sake.


	22. Dark Clouds Brewing

Breakfast was a rather subdued affair. The boisterous atmosphere that normally accompanied the Sanzo Party's meals had been replaced with an unnatural stillness. Two members in particular were unusually somber, a fact which caused Hakkai and Gojyo no small amount of anxiety.

Goku's oddly quiet demeanor was the most obvious sign of something amiss. He wasn't eating with his usual gusto and he wasn't adding a running commentary on their meal. Normally, the young man liked to express his enjoyment of the meal loudly and frequently. Yet he had barely said a word during the course of their meal. He hadn't even engaged in a mealtime argument with the red haired kappa. Gojyo had even gone out of his way to provoke a reaction from him by stealing the last sausage link on the plate. There was no reaction other than a quick glance at the redhead before Goku returned his attention to his own plate. The most noticeable difference was the fact that the 'younger' brunette had not made eye contact with their leader once since he sat down. On an average day, Goku would look at the monk practically every minute. It was unsettling experience to see him pay no attention the other man.

Since Sanzo was actively avoiding looking at any of them really, he was most likely unaware of his charge's strange behavior. The blonde had barely spoken a word since the meal had started. This in and of itself was not unusual, but if the man had eaten more than five bites of his food, it would be a miracle. Not surprising really since the monk hadn't stopped smoking since he had come down the inn stairs that morning. Already he had smoked an entire pack of cigarettes and was well into his second. Hakkai had tried to curb this trend by pointing out that by smoking at such a fast rate, he would burn through his current supply and they would have to postpone setting out that morning if he wanted to buy more. When Sanzo only shrugged dispassionately, the level of worry raised from moderately concerned to very concerned.

After a few minutes of internal strategizing, the human turned demon addressed the shorter brunette. He was determined to get to the bottom of this. "Is something bothering you Goku?"

The young man started. He hadn't expected being called out. With a nervous grin he responded "No. Nothing's wrong Hakkai."

"Bullshit." interrupted Gojyo. "You've been totally spaced out and weird this entire time. So seriously, what's up monkey?"

"Don't call me monkey. And really, nothing's wrong." Goku retorted. When Hakkai gave him a pointed look, he tried to quickly think up a believable excuse. "I guess I'm just thinking is all." 'Yeah, that's not going to fly man.' he thought to himself the minute he responded. When Gojyo gave a disbelieving snort, his thought was confirmed. He glared at the kappa for snorting. "No really. I'm just thinking about all of the people we've met on this journey and wondering what they're up to." Okay, that was semi-plausible.

"I see," responded the green eyed man, "and what brought them to mind?"

"And why would thinking about them make you avoid looking at Sanzo?" the hanyou interjected.

Goku's stomach gave a funny lurch that in no way resembled hunger. "I'm not avoiding him." he responded adamantly. "I'm just thinking so hard that I can't concentrate on anything else. And why do I need a reason to think about them Hakkai?"

Hakkai stared at him intently for a moment before an easy smile began to grow on his face. "I suppose you don't need one really."

"And your brain truly is too small to take in a whole lot at once." Gojyo added.

"Don't call me stupid ya pervy kappa!"

"Just calling it like I see it you moron!"

"Like you're any better!"

"Huh?! The hell you mean by that brat?!"

Their banter developed into one of their usual mealtime arguments. It went on for some time, each of its participants waiting for a round of gunshots or a thwack of a harisen and a roared 'Shut up!' When it became obvious that the monk was not going to intervene, the dispute immediately died down.

The three demon members on the Sanzo Party stared intently at their human member. Sanzo continued to smoke, staring out the window to his right, seemingly unaware of their scrutiny. "Are you feeling well Sanzo?" asked Hakkai concernedly.

The violet eyed man quickly glanced at the healer before returning his attention to the window. "I'm fine."

"Then what's on your mind, Princess?" Gojyo inquired, provoking an unexpectedly violent reaction.

The blonde flinched and winced as though he had been hit and, without looking at any of them responded in a dangerously steely tone "Nothing. It's nothing. Just drop it."

Hakkai reached out to put his hand on the human's shoulder. "Are you sure you're okay San-"

Sanzo shifted, moving away from the approaching hand and interrupted him. "Yes. I'm fine. Can you guys hurry up and finish? We need to keep moving." The Sanzo Priest stood and walked over to their waitress and handed her the gold card. "Charge the meal to this and, when they're done, give it to him." he said, gesturing at Hakkai before swiftly leaving the inn to wait for them outside.

The monk's companions stared at his rapidly retreating back with a mixture of worry and dismay. Gojyo was the first to vocalize all of their thoughts. "What the hell is wrong with Sanzo? He's been acting weird for a couple of weeks now."

"I'm also concerned." Hakkai replied. "Something is obviously bothering him. But what do you think it is?"

"I don't know. Since it started a few weeks ago, you think it has anything to do with that encounter with those thieves?"

A brief look of anger darkened the green eyed demon's brow before dissipating to calm acceptance. "I don't think so Gojyo. He didn't show any remorse for it then and he's never made mention of it since."

"Maybe he's finally regretting it?"

A small smile grew on Hakkai's face. "Since when has Sanzo ever regretted anything he's done?" A responding wry grin appeared on the redhead. Turning his attention to the third demon in their group, the vine demon asked "What do you think Goku? You know Sanzo better than we do after all."

The 'younger' brunette hesitated. He really didn't know what was wrong with Sanzo. All he had were bits and pieces, none of which fit together. And with his own confused thoughts regarding the man, he couldn't settle himself to figure it out. "I don't know." he admitted finally. "Maybe he's working through something on his own?"

"But what?" Gojyo persisted. "What's he hiding?"

"We don't really have any right to question him on this Gojyo. All four of us have things we hide and things we don't want to talk about. We shouldn't try to force him to tell us." This bit of wisdom coming from the one they had always seen as a child surprised the other two greatly. It seemed their resident 'teen' was growing up.

The smile which had never fully left Hakkai's face widened. "You're right Goku. We can't really involve ourselves in his business like that. However." A concerned frown replaced the smile. "If this continues to affect the rest of us, it no longer remains 'his problem'. At that point we would need to get to the bottom of this. For now though, we'll leave it up to Sanzo."

Gojyo snorted. "Let's hope the Pissy Priest deals with it soon. It's way too troublesome to deal with his shit on top of everything else that's happening."

Goku inclined his head in acknowledgement. He may not agree with everything they said and he really didn't want others to get involved. But it was fair of them to want to act when it involved them. It would be too much to ask for them to leave it alone at that point.

The trio finished their meal quickly and headed outside to find the monk. When they saw that he had finished another pack and was working on a third, they looked at each other in askance. But they had already agreed that as long as it didn't negatively affect them that they wouldn't confront Sanzo about it, so they said nothing. The four men clambered into the newly transformed Jeep and drove onward on their quest.


	23. Dangerous Grounds

One. Week. It had been one whole week since he had more than one hour straight of sleep and Sanzo could feel himself falling apart. His nerves were shot. He started at the slightest noise. Any time he saw something moving in the corner of his eye, his hand would twitch as if to reach for his gun before he quickly repressed the impulse.

His body was at times slowing down and at others tense and ready to fight or to flee. The monk swung wildly between one extreme and the other. As a result he would either be so lethargic that he would doze off in the middle of a conversation or so alert and wound up that he would over react to any disturbance, no matter how slight.

His mind was rebelling against him. Every time he closed his eyes for more than a moment, he saw the forms of his attackers. Whenever someone laughed, all he heard was that hauntingly cruel laughter. It seemed as though everybody who looked at him knew what had been done. Any time Goku looked at him, an unusually but thankfully rare occurrence these days, he felt himself unwillingly tense. Everyone and everything seemed out to get him.

The violet eyed priest was absolutely certain that his companions had noticed his increasingly erratic behavior. Whenever he would drift away from a conversation, Hakkai would draw him back with a pointed "Sanzo?" The sudden utterance of his name would startle him back to into high alert and his eyes would dart around briefly, trying to remember where he was and what he was doing. Once he settled, the monk would clearly see the human turned demon looking at him in concern. The blonde would quickly continue the conversation before the man could ask him if he was okay.

Not that it had helped in any way. All three of his companions, mostly Hakkai and Gojyo, would ask him fairly frequently if he was alright. Goku would ask, but not with urgency and frequency the blonde had always associated with the brunette. A curious trait that Sanzo was immensely grateful for at this moment since he wasn't sure how he would react to the gold eyed youth looking at him right now. Every time one of them asked, the monk would stubbornly reply that he was fine, dammit, and they should stop worrying about pointless things. Only his obstinate pride would allow him to put on the mask that the same Genjo Sanzo they all knew was still among them.

But that mask was getting harder to maintain. The priest's physical condition was also deteriorating. He could barely see straight, let alone aim his gun right. The blonde would have attacks of vertigo that had his world spinning and his stomach turning. His hands shook, his feet felt like lead, and he was achy all over. Sanzo knew he had a fever since he felt hot and cold at the same time and though he was sweating, he was also shivering. His iron-clad determination was the only thing keeping him upright at this point.

A hand gently landing on his shoulder caused him to panic for a moment and reach for his banishing gun. "Sanzo." The careful enunciation of his name brought him back to awareness. Hakkai was standing in front of him, his hand still on the monk's shoulder, looking very concerned. Gojyo and Goku were worriedly hovering in the background, though Goku was still avoiding direct eye contact with him. The blonde nearly grimaced when he considered possible reasons for this withdrawal, but the healer’s stern voice soon penetrated his foggy thoughts. "Sanzo, you don't look well."

The amethyst eyed man summoned up every last vestige of his diminished strength and wrenched his shoulder out of the green eyed man's hand. The movement caused his vision to blur and his world to spin. He would have passed out, but Sanzo couldn't allow himself even a moment of weakness. Glaring at his companions, he hissed out between clenched teeth "I'm fine. Damn, why can't you guys just drop this and stop pestering the shit out of me?"

"Because you're obviously not fine, ya pissy priest. Damn, even I can tell you're sick. Even the brat knows it!" Gojyo interjected, annoyed.

"Sanzo." The quiet but firm tone of the healer's voice was not a good sign. "You can't see straight. Your hands shake so bad that even when you can aim your gun, you miss. You're teetering on the edge of exhaustion so badly that you can't even hold a proper conversation. You can't concentrate and I can tell just by looking at you that you have a fever. Your condition is starting to affect us as well as yourself. Now you can either get treated at the next village or you can sit down and explain what the hell is wrong with you."

Sanzo started to hyperventilate. He tried to force his sleep deprived mind to think up a solution that allowed him to keep both his pride and his secret. The blonde didn't want to admit weakness and he was terrified of having a stranger touch him. On the other hand, he knew that when Hakkai made a threat like that he would follow through with it. The thought of having his secret exposed was by far the worse alternative. The monk slumped in defeat. "Fine" he replied tiredly. "At the next town I'll get looked at. Can we finally continue now?"

The healer smiled and continued walking along their chosen path, letting that be his answer. As Gojyo walked past him, the kappa gave him a searching look, but seeing the resignation in the monk's eyes, the red head nodded and continued on. For his part, Goku passed the man who was his sun with barely an upward glance.

Had Sanzo been more coherent, he would have questioned the youth's newfound reticence. As it was, it took most of his concentration to put one foot in front of the other and not stumble around like a drunk. He was not looking forward to this. He wondered if, in his current state, he would be able to resist the impulse to attack the doctor touching him. He shuddered to think that he would have to be practically naked in front of a stranger. With every step his anxiety grew. The monk mulishly shoved those thoughts aside in favor of focusing on staying upright. He would distract himself with every ounce of energy he had left and would prevail over this weakness. Nothing could stop him from defeating this fragility. Not even himself.


	24. Decline

Over the next few hours Sanzo's condition rapidly declined. Hakkai and the other two demon members of the Sanzo Party watched anxiously as the monk went from bad to worse. When they had started travelling that morning, the blonde had obviously been ill, but had functioned relatively well. Now, he could hardly walk at all. Their pace had slowed dramatically and yet the monk was having trouble keeping up. Sanzo was stumbling over his own feet. True, the terrain was not even nor easy, but even when nothing obvious obstructed his path, the man struggled.

The day before yesterday, the quartet had encountered the beginnings of the foothills of a small mountain range. There seemed to be no clear path through the mountains, but after consulting the map, they found a small foot path that led directly to the town on the other side. Should they travel at a good pace, they would read the town within three days. If they went around the mountain, it would take another three days on top of that.

Hakkai, Goku, and Gojyo had been in favor of the detour. They were concerned about the violet eyed man's condition and didn't want to exasperate it with an undoubtedly arduous trek through heavily wooded terrain. But Sanzo had convinced, or rather forced, the others to go through the mountains by threatening to go by himself if they decided to go around.

Now Hakkai wished that he had stood his ground and insisted on the detour. Because of the uneven terrain, the group was unable to ride in Jeep. There was a high possibility of flipping if they did. But the fact remained that the path was very difficult to walk as well. Even on level ground, the sheer amount of walking they were doing would have irritated Sanzo's condition; it being such a difficult trail only compounded the issue.

After the blonde stumbled over nothing for the fifth time in about an hour, the healer felt tempted to knock the stubborn man out and have Gojyo carry him the rest of the way down. However, before he could get worked up enough to actually follow through with this plan, he heard a loud poof and a demanding "Kyu!". Looking over in surprise, Hakkai saw that Jeep had transformed and seemed to be waiting for the men to climb in.

The human turned demon thought for a moment. There was a reason he had not asked their small companion to transform despite his worry over their leader. The road was treacherous even near its end and one ill-timed shift could throw them all. But the road had steadily been declining for several miles now and Jeep seemed so determined to help the monk. Hakkai allowed these facts to persuade himself to accept the dragon's gesture. "Thank you, my friend." he whispered gratefully. Looking over at his other companions the 'older' brunette called out "Everybody get in."

Gojyo and Goku looked at each other hesitantly, and then glanced at the monk trailing behind them. Their expressions became resolute and they clambered into the back. Sanzo stumbled forward for a few seconds more, seemingly unaware of the events going on around him. Hakkai drew his attention by calling out the monk's name in a loud voice. For a few long moments, the blonde seemed to look right through them until finally he gathered enough energy to process the fact that they were riding the dragon the rest of the way down.

After nearly pitching headfirst into the vehicle, the leader of the Sanzo Party finally settled himself into the front seat. Despite his concern, the driver gently reminded Jeep to drive carefully. With a gentle roar, the quartet set off down the mountain.  
Fortunately the group had traversed most of the way through the mountains by foot so they only needed to drive for a few more hours. The three demons kept glancing anxiously at the human in their group. Despite sitting down and resting, the blonde continued to worsen. He was nearly insensate in the front seat and was so out of it that he didn't even notice the extra attention.

The minute they drove into town, Hakkai asked the first villager he saw where their doctor was. "He's in a small house just outside of town" the man replied, pointing in the direction opposite from the one they had come from. "If you get a room at the inn, just ask for Chu hua to send for him and he'll be over as soon as he can." The chi user thanked the man and set about finding the inn. It didn't take too long: it was the largest building in town. Leaving the monk to Gojyo and the baggage to Goku, Hakkai quickly entered and asked for Chu hua.

A matronly woman with copious amounts of grey running through her black hair greeted him and asked what he wanted with her. "We were told to talk to you about getting the doctor to look at our friend." He gestured at the ailing monk walking through the door behind him. The green eyed man used the term walking loosely. The priest leaned heavily against the red haired hanyou and could barely lift his feet enough to shuffle forward. His condition was such that he could no longer support himself and so, with obvious reluctance the monk had accepted Gojyo's aid. The blonde was very tense and his face showed unwarranted disgust. Hakkai had no time to figure it out right now. He had to get the man well first.

The woman looked at the amethyst eyed monk with compassion and pointed down the hall. "The third door on your left is an empty single room. Lay him in there. I'll send my daughter, Howin, to fetch the doctor. Until he arrives, I will make some of my grandmother's special tea. It is good for healing." 

Hakkai smiled in relief and bowed his head in gratitude. "Thank you for your help."

"Think nothing of it, dear." she answered, walking towards what was most likely the kitchen. "Let's see what we can do for him."

The redhead led their leader into the room and lowered him onto the bed. The monk, who had been tense before, seemed to unconsciously become even more anxious when he was laying down. Despite knowing that sleep would at the very least allow him a respite from his illness, the monk was obviously forcing himself to stay awake. Hakkai would have to address that, but first he should get some of that soothing tea into the man. Maybe then he could relax enough to fall into a healing sleep


	25. Healing Sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language

The three men expected for Sanzo to fall asleep the moment he laid down. His exhaustion was apparent to all present. Instead, to the men's dismay, the monk fought off unconsciousness with every last little bit of energy he still possessed. His violet eyes would fall shut and would seem to indicate that Sanzo's body had finally pulled him under. But only a few seconds later their leader would drag himself back into wakefulness with desperate determination. The other Party members would look on with hope every time his eyes would close only to feel disheartened when the blonde would open them once again.

Goku was worried. His sun...he meant friend, Sanzo had been apparently avoiding sleep for a while now. To him, it seemed the monk was afraid of falling asleep. The 'younger' brunette knew the blonde better than anyone else and he knew that the man's stubbornness would have only sustained this fight until he had been essentially carried into the inn by Gojyo. If the only thing keeping him awake was his mulish pride, then he would have begrudgingly admitted that the pretense was pointless after that display of weakness. Yet he still fought with a dogged determination that bordered on reckless stupidity. There was something else keeping Sanzo awake. Perhaps it was whatever the monk had been dealing with several weeks ago. If so, it was bad enough to prevent him from falling into the restorative sleep that his body so desperately needed.

And once again it was his fault. Hadn't he sworn to watch and protect Sanzo even from himself? But he had stupidly let his own problems and thought draw him away from the blonde. Goku nearly growled in frustration but he knew he needed to remain focused on the monk for now and figure out his problem once and for all later. He would not let this happen again. "Sanzo," he said cautiously "you should really try and get some rest before the doc gets here." The man's violet eyes glanced at him before quickly darting away to glare at the ceiling.

"Sanzo, you should listen---" Hakkai started.

"Don't." Sanzo whispered harshly. "Don't tell me what I 'should do'. I'm seeing the doctor like I promised, but don't you dare try and tell me what to do." The words got quieter and quieter towards the end of the statement as the toll of speaking worked itself upon the monk's exhausted body.

Goku tried to think of something he could say to make the man listen to reason and sleep, but he was interrupted by a soft knock on the door. It swung open to reveal the innkeeper holding a tray with a small teapot and cup. "I have the tea I promised." Chu hua walked in and set the tray on a small bedside table. She poured the steaming hot tea carefully into the small cup and held it out to Sanzo. The monk glared at her suspiciously but after examining her face for a bit, he seemed to at least accept the fact that she was here to help. He started to struggle to prop himself up on the pillows laying at the head of the bed.

The older woman put down the cup and reached out to help him up. The blonde flinched away and hissed "Don't touch me."

She gazed at him sternly and said. "You are not well. By forcing yourself to move you are just doing more damage. Damage which could mean a longer recuperation. I'm going to help you up whether you like it or not young man."

A brief battle of wills ensued as the two glared at each other and waited for the other person to give in, but the illness proved too much for even Sanzo's stubbornness. After a long moment, he scoffed and muttered "Whatever." Chu hua nodded approvingly before reaching out toward the monk again. Despite his outward nonchalance, the monk tensed up as he felt her hands on him. Thankfully, she moved quickly and with an efficiency that spoke of many years of nurturing the sick.

Once he was settled against the pillows, the innkeeper once again picked up the cup and offered it to the monk. It had cooled slightly during the exchange, but it still steamed slightly. The blonde took it carefully and examined the liquid closely: looking at it and smelling it to try and discern what was in it. "Just drink it." the woman said with a roll of her eyes. "I promise, you will feel much better after you do."

After another short hesitation, he took a small sip. Once he had decided that the tea was not harmful in any way, he drank it slowly until he had drained the cup. Chu hua took the empty cup from him and put it back on the tray. Sanzo wanted to order the woman to get out of his room now that her errand was done, but all of a sudden he felt so tired. His eyes felt as heavy as lead and despite his best efforts, the monk was finally pulled under to sleep.

The three watched with fascination as the obstinate blonde stayed asleep this time. "What the hell was in that tea, lady?" Gojyo asked astonished.

Chu hua glanced up at him with a sly smile. "Oh just some heal all, ginseng, chamomile, and lavender. It was my Grandmother's surefire insomnia cure. Even great-grandfather Su-won couldn't resist its effects and he had the most stubborn case of it that I have ever known." She gathered up her things and as she was leaving told the men "The doctor should be here in about an hour. I'm sure he'll be able to help your friend." The men could only hope that her confidence was well placed.


	26. A Beautiful Revelation

The older brunette turned to Goku and Gojyo , "Since it seems it will be awhile before the doctor arrives, you two should go freshen up and get something to eat,” he urged. 

Gojyo was about to say something when the younger brunette returned "I'll stay here and watch Sanzo. You're the one who's going to need energy later on since you're the only one who'll understand what the doctor is talking about."

The healer looked concerned at his adamant stance before comprehension dawned and he replied with a smile, "I imagine you'd want to stay close to him." It was a well-known fact that Goku had an extremely strong protective streak when it came to the blond monk. "Alright then. I'll go freshen up and eat with Gojyo. I'll be back before the hour is up."

Goku nodded and listened as the other two demons left the room. While it was true that he needed Hakkai to be alert so that he could understand what the doctor was saying about Sanzo's condition, it was not the only reason he wanted the others to leave the room. Ever since that dream a couple weeks ago he had been thinking about his feelings for the surly monk. He had been thinking so hard that he had essentially ignored the blond entirely. The amber eyed man felt guilty because he felt it was his constant concentration on this issue that had allowed Sanzo to get this bad. Therefore, the young man was determined to figure out his feelings once and for all.

One thing he had already realized was that, even though he was sexually attracted to the violet eyed man, he was not only interested in sex with him. In fact, even if being with Sanzo meant giving up sex completely, Goku was fine with it. This had brought him a sense of relief since it made him different from all those others who looked at the monk with lust in their eyes. But it had also raised more questions about how he felt.

He had always known that he had a great deal of respect and admiration for the priest, and he admitted that some of those feelings came from his gratitude towards the blonde for bringing him out of his prison, but that was not all of it. Goku admired the drive the human of the Sanzo Party had and his sense of purpose. He also valued the monk's determination to be himself regardless of what others thought of him. He respected the presence Sanzo had; a presence that made everyone aware of him the minute he walked into a room, but it wasn't a blind admiration like the man seemed to believe. Goku was fully aware of the violet eyed monk's faults. He was stubborn to the point of being mulish. He was acerbic and had a temper that was far too easily set off. The monk would refuse to admit his mistakes until it became so obvious a mistake that there was no longer a point in denying it.

Even though Goku knew he should feel ridiculously annoyed at these flaws, all he felt was a sort of fond exasperation. Yeah they kind of annoyed him, but these things were just part of who Sanzo was. The young man accepted that these were things he could not change without changing the monk entirely. He could only acknowledge them.

Whenever he thought about the monk, Goku got a warm feeling in his chest. Since he also got a warm feeling in his chest when he thought about Hakkai and Gojyo, the brunette thought that he counted the surly monk as one of his friends, but as he sat here keeping watch until the doctor came, the heretical being realized that the two warm feelings were different. When he thought about the two demons, the feeling was almost bubbly. The happiness he felt with them would buoy him and lift his spirits. It was different with the blond. When the young man thought about the monk, that warm feeling was fuzzier. It was like a blanket that spread and bundled him in a strong feeling of contentment and also gave him a reason to keep going.

'Why are they so different?' he thought, getting frustrated at his inability to figure this out. 'What is this feeling I have for Sanzo?' All the gears in his head were turning and yet the young man felt like he was getting nowhere.

A soft sound of distress derailed his train of thought. Goku looked at the monk and saw that while he had been absorbed in his thoughts, Sanzo's condition had gotten worse. His face, which had looked tense even in sleep, was now a mask of fear and pain. It broke Goku's heart to see the one he loved in such anguish.

The golden eyed man jumped and his eyes widened as he finally fully processed his last thought. He loved Sanzo? As in loved more than a friend? He had found the one that made his life complete and without whom his life would always feel half empty?  
The more Goku thought about it---'I love Sanzo. I love Sanzo.'---the more certain he became. Looking back through all those things he had been pondering, they all made sense with the feeling of love for the monk. That warm fuzzy feeling grew warmer and warmer and larger and larger until he thought his heart would explode out of his chest. Bone deep contentment thrummed throughout his entire body. A tear of joy rolled down his cheek and he felt, for the first time in his life, complete.

A hand landing on his shoulder startled him out of his thoughts. Whirling around, Goku laid eyes on the oldest man he had ever seen. If the man before him was a day under one hundred, the brunette would be shocked.

"Excuse me young man." The man's voice was light and slightly quavering. "My name is Doctor Feng Shu. Is this my patient?" he asked, gesturing to the unconscious blond.

Just as Goku was about to reply, Hakkai's voice interjected saying "Yes, doctor, he is." The healer walked briskly into the room, followed by Gojyo walking at a more relaxed pace, and gave the younger brunette a chagrined smile. "I'm sorry Goku. I wanted to be here before the doctor arrived."

Buoyed as he was by his revelation, he gave the human turned demon a huge smile and said, "No problem. I'm glad you're here now to answer the doc's questions."

The wizened man smiled and said, "Well then, we should probably wake the patient, hmm?" The monk was restless even in sleep. "Let's see if we can solve this conundrum."


	27. An Unexpected Diagnosis and Awakening Suspicion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language

Sanzo jerked awake the second the doctor's hand landed gently on his shoulder. For a brief moment, his face was a mask of fear and his already quickened breathing became more like hyperventilation. Just a few seconds later though, the man's amethyst eyes landed on the ancient looking man standing at his side. The monk stared at Dr. Shu confusedly before realization dawned. Even though Sanzo had seemed extremely wary about seeing a doctor earlier, he now looked a little relieved. It was something that puzzled the other three men, but if it meant getting the examination done with little resistance from the surly patient then it didn't really matter.

"Hello there young man." the doctor's creaky voice started. "My name is Dr. Feng Shu. I'm here to see if I can help you feel better. Would you mind telling me about your symptoms?"

The monk's face hardened and with a motion that could only loosely be called a jerk of his head replied "Ask those shit heads. They're the ones forcing me to see you."

The old man chuckled good-naturedly at the harsh language and turned to look at Hakkai. His many years of experience told him that the human turned demon was the one to talk to. "Well?"

After heaving a long-suffering sigh, the chi user began, "He has a high fever and has lost most of his sense of coordination. He's been disoriented for a while now, even going so far as to space out in the middle of a conversation."

The doctor nodded and asked "How have his appetite and sleep patterns been?"

"Well, he has never had much of an appetite, but now that you mention it, it does seem as though he has been eating less as of late. I'm not really sure how his sleep has been. None of us truly have a normal sleep schedule since we are always traveling, but I'm not sure if this information will help you." The older brunette looked concerned that he knew so little and might not be able to help the doctor with his work as much as he had hoped.

The doctor merely acknowledged the statement with a slight nod and said, "Alright, let's just take a look then." He turned back to Sanzo and explained, "I'm going to help you sit up against the pillows so that we can begin the examination. Okay?" Surprisingly, the monk agreed to let Dr. Shu help him up far more quickly than he had allowed Chu hua. Despite the doctor's frail appearance, his hands were firm and his motions efficient as he supported the blond as he moved.

Once his patient was upright, the elderly man asked, "Would you mind removing the upper portion of your robes? It will help facilitate the check up." After a wary glance around the room, Sanzo nodded hesitantly. The blonde slowly pulled his arms up through the voluminous sleeves of his holy garment and, after a small pause, grudgingly allowed the top portion to pool at his waist. The old doctor peered at his patient for a moment before saying "Hmm... I think I need you to remove your leather shirt as well. I won't be able to look over you properly with it on."

The monk tensed up the moment he heard what Dr. Shu had asked. He cautiously eyed the other men in the room, his violet eyes guarded and slightly distressed. His shoulders adopted a defensive hunch and his reluctance was almost palpable.  
After a long moment of silence and inaction, some instinct within Goku led him to say "We can turn around if you want Sanzo. Hakkai, Gojyo, and I don't need to watch the exam, right Hakkai?"

The healer of the Sanzo Party looked surprised and somewhat bemusedly responded "No. We don't need to watch." He glanced at their leader and asked "Would that be agreeable Sanzo?"

The blonde's face was full of skepticism; as though he couldn't believe that Goku had made the suggestion or that the men would even follow through with it. He gave a small nod, looking unsure.

Hakkai and Gojyo looked at each other uncertainly before turning towards Goku, a question on their faces. The younger brunette just nodded resolutely before turning away from the ill blonde. Soon after, he heard the other two demons follow suit.  
"Well then." the doctor said brightly. "Now that that's taken care of, would you please remove your shirt?" The shortest member of the group heard a slight sound that indicated that the patient was doing what the doctor asked.

The gold eyed man considered the situation they found themselves in. While Sanzo was more modest than the rest of them, he hadn't had a problem with being shirtless in front of them before, but then again the last few weeks had seen a dramatic change in the level of self-consciousness the monk displayed. In Goku's opinion, there seemed to be a connection between this newfound body shyness and the nightmares the blonde had been having. Something in those dreams had caused this change in his beloved's behavior.

Goku used this time when everyone else was distracted by the doctor's visit to try figure out what Sanzo had dreamed about that would cause him to act like this.

Perhaps he had a dream about people making fun of him for his looks. A lot of people said he looked like a girl. No, the monk had never cared about what other people thought about his appearance. Maybe it was a dream when he embarrassed himself by being naked in front of people while performing an important ritual. The brunette shook his head. Sanzo was so confident and arrogant that he would never have such a fear. He had been forced to be comfortable in front of people from an early age since he was the youngest Sanzo priest. What else could there be that would cause the formerly unabashed monk to become so restrained?

He considered the question some more and kept coming back to the same startling conclusion. At some point in his life, the blonde had been vulnerable while in a less than fully dressed state. But what kind of vulnerable could cause this? Wouldn't that mean that—Goku's train of thought came to a sudden halt when he heard the doctor say "All done. You can put your shirt back on." 

After the slight rustling noise that indicated that the patient was redressing himself had ceased, the three demons turned to face the doctor. Hakkai asked "So what's the diagnosis Doctor Shu?"

The old man had a very grave look on his face as he replied "I must say it is one of the most serious cases of exhaustion I have ever encountered."

"Exhaustion?" Gojyo asked confused. "You mean to tell me he looks like hell warmed over because he's tired?"

The old man shot the hanyou a disapproving look. "Don't underestimate the importance of sleep. A lack of sleep can lead to all sorts of complications such as decreased alertness and awareness, a lack of coordination, and impaired judgment. And that's just if you are slightly sleep deprived. For more severe cases, it can cause an impaired immune system, heart complications, and can even kill you in a worst case scenario."

The men looked at each other worriedly before the vine demon asked, "So what needs to be done?"

Dr. Shu thought for a moment before he replied, "The best cure for sleep deprivation is, unsurprisingly, sleep. I would recommend at least a week of bed rest with occasional light activity. Unfortunately, this condition can also make it physically difficult to sleep, since your mind is no longer functioning at a level where it can recognize the need for all that sleep. I can give him some medicine to facilitate sleep and to treat his fever, but sleep is really the only true cure."

The three demons glanced over at the ill monk who, after the examination, seemed to be dozing on and off. Once again, the blond seemed determined not to sleep. "I hope it's something stronger than this bastard's stubbornness, doc. He seems to be doing everything he can to avoid it.” The hanyou voiced their concerns perfectly.

The old man looked concerned and then requested, "May I see you out in the hall for a moment?" A little leery of leaving the monk alone, the men were reassured when the doctor clarified, "We'll only be stepping out for a moment. It is imperative that I speak to you about this."

Hakkai, Gojyo, and Goku agreed and followed the elderly man into the hall. Once there Goku asked, "So what did you want to tell us?"

"First, I'm going to tell you about my treatment regimen. My patient seems a bit bullheaded and as such would probably dismiss what I have to say." The three men could not really argue with that. "He may also forget what I'm going to say because of his mental state."

The chi user nodded and asked, "What do you suggest?"

The doctor replied, "Once I get back home, I'm going to send a runner over with a fever reducer. Have him take it every four to six hours if he is awake. Do that for three days. As for something for the insomnia, I have yet to find a better cure than Chu hua's grandmother's special brew. Have him take it three times a day for at least three days. If he is still having trouble sleeping after three days, take a one day break and repeat for another three days. That should cure it right up." His face became grave. "I must warn you, it seems very likely to me that your friend has been suffering from nightmares."

Goku froze. He really didn't want Gojyo and Hakkai to know about the nightmares. But now, his plans for keeping them in the dark about them went up in flames. Already Gojyo was asking "Nightmares? Why would you say that?"

"I have been a doctor for many years young man. I know the symptoms of a person suffering from a series of nightmares better than you know the lines on your hands. Also, I'm not talking about one or two nightmares every couple weeks or so. I'm talking multiple nightmares a week. If this is true, then it's going to make dealing with his fever dreams even harder."

"Fever dreams?" Goku asked, feeling his stomach plummet. "What are those?"

Dr. Shu looked at him compassionately and answered "People with high fevers can sometimes have exceptionally vivid dreams known as fever dreams. They can be scary, strange, or even just vivid enough to feel like it happened in real life. But if that young man is already having nightmares..." The doctor didn't need to finish the thought. If Sanzo's nightmares had been bad enough keep him up long enough for him to get to this state in the first place, what would his fever dreams do?


	28. Goku Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language

As Goku frantically tried to think of some way to run some damage control, Dr. Shu made the situation worse by continuing, “Sometimes fever dreams can be vivid enough that the patient feels like they are still in the dream for a while after they wake up. Although not very common, there is a chance that a particularly violent or scary dream can cause them to inadvertently injure themselves upon waking. Falling out of bed or trying to flee while half asleep would be examples of what could happen. Since your friend is already suffering from nightmares, I would say that the chance of this happening to him is higher than normal. I think it would be wise to have someone with him while he sleeps, just for a day or two. After that the fever should either break or become mild enough that having fever dreams is far less likely.”

The younger brunette glanced over at Hakkai from the corner of his eye and saw that the man’s face was grim and concerned, just like he had expected. He heaved an internal sigh. Getting the chi user to leave Sanzo’s side was going to be incredibly difficult.

While Goku was considering how he could achieve this goal, the wizened doctor said, “Hopefully my concern is misplaced, but it is better to be safe than sorry.” Hakkai and Gojyo nodded seriously. “Of course, the ideal treatment for the nightmares would be to address them in some way. I will leave that up to you gentlemen since you know him best and would know how best to help him. I should talk to Chu hua about whipping up a batch of her grandmother’s tea.”

“I’ll come with you.” the human turned demon volunteered. “I’m interested in learning her recipe.”

Dr. Shu nodded good-naturedly and replied, “I’ll leave that to you then. In the meantime, I’ll return to my home to prepare the fever medicine. You’ll have it in a couple hours.”

The hanyou whistled. “Geez doc, how far away do you live?”

The ancient man huffed and returned, “Young man, I am not as young as I used to be. When I was young, I was able to walk the two and a half miles or so in about half an hour, but now it takes me much longer. Since I will be sending a runner back with the medicine, it should be a quicker journey back.”

The redhead laughed sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head. “Sorry doc. Didn’t mean to upset you.”

The doctor laughed and said “I’m not offended. At my age, it takes much more than that to upset me.” He turned towards the stairs and gestured for Hakkai to follow. “Well, let’s get cracking. The sooner we can get your friend some medicine, the sooner he can start feeling better.”

Even though he was concerned, the older brunette managed a small smile as he said, “Thank you for your help, doctor.”

The old man waved off the thanks and slowly began to descend the stairs. “My pleasure, young man. My pleasure.”

After Gojyo and Goku watched to two healers walk down the stairs, the crimson haired man said, “So Sanzo’s havin’ nightmares, huh? They must be pretty bad if they kept him up long enough to get this bad. What do you think they’re about?”

The heretic wished the taller male hadn’t asked that. Firstly because he still hadn’t completely figured out the content of the dreams and secondly because he didn’t want to talk to the hanyou about his suspicions. He knew the blonde wouldn’t want him to blab about it, especially because he didn’t have proof and the monk would be able to deny it easily, but he also felt like this should be kept fairly quiet. Something in his gut told him that this wasn’t something to be talked about lightly. Goku decided to go with a half truth. “I’m not sure.”

The kappa snorted. “No shit, man. If we put our heads together, we might be able to figure something out though. The Pissy Priest shouldn’t have to suffer in silence.”

The younger brunette was touched by the concern he heard in the redhead’s voice. “I know he shouldn’t have to, but I don’t think all of us figuring it out and confronting him is the way to go about it.”

“Well then, what do you suggest?” Gojyo returned, slightly annoyed. “Remember when we agreed that once our mighty leader’s problem became everyone’s problem we would take action?” The problem was that Goku did remember and was trying, without much success, to find a loophole.

Before he could respond, Hakkai walked up the stairs with the tea and interjected “Yes we did agree to that Gojyo, but perhaps we could wait until Sanzo is feeling a little better.”

“I know that.” the hanyou responded with a roll of his eyes. “I’m not an idiot, but knowing how pissy the priest is, we’re going to need to come up with a strategy.”

“Yes,” the healer agreed as he walked into Sanzo’s room and began pouring the tea. “I know we do. But I agree with Goku that all of us confronting him may just make the situation worse.” It said volumes about the monk’s condition when, instead of responding to their conversation about him, he continued to blearily stare at the ceiling seemingly unaware of what was going on around him.

When the human turned demon agreed with him, Goku hit upon the loophole he had been looking for. “What if,” he started slightly hesitantly before continuing with more confidence “What if only one of us talked to him?” The other two looked at him confusedly. “All of us confronting him together might be too much, but what if we did it one on one?”

Hakkai turned back to the blonde to help him up so he could drink his tea. The priest struggled halfheartedly against the older brunette’s hold, but he was so weak that he couldn’t even jostle the healer. Once he was propped up, the chi user held the tea to his lips and carefully helped him drink. As Sanzo drank, Hakkai said, “It’s a possible solution, Goku, but who would talk to him?”

“Not me.” the hanyou responded quickly. “The Pissy Priest barely likes to talk to me normally. In this kind of situation he might clam up even more.”

The green eyed man nodded in agreement as the blonde monk finished the tea and was helped back down to the bed. “That’s true. I could probably do it. I’ll be here watching Sanzo anyway.”

“What if I did it?” Goku interrupted. Hakkai and Gojyo looked startled. “Sanzo’s more likely to talk to me right? He’s really comfortable with me.”

“I suppose.” the healer started unconvinced. “You wouldn’t be able to talk to him until his fever breaks though.”

“Or I could watch him. I could stay with him and make sure he doesn’t hurt himself.”

“I don’t know Goku. Do you think you can do it by yourself?”

“I know I can handle it.” the younger brunette stated with conviction. When the chi user still looked uncertain, he decided to make a risky gamble. “I promise that if it gets to be too much for me, I’ll come and get you.”

Hakkai finally nodded reluctantly. “Alright Goku. If you think that’s wise.”

“Maybe, being as tired as he is, the Princess will be a little more loose-lipped.” Gojyo added, effectively sealing the deal.  
Goku hid his smug grin as the healer’s nod became more reassured. “You’re right Gojyo. Alright then, we’ll leave it to you Goku.”

He smile and replied “Sure! Leave it to me.”


	29. An Unsettling Conclusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language

Once that had been settled, Hakkai put on a stern face and said, “Now Goku, you need to go freshen up and get something to eat. You’ve been with Sanzo this whole time. How can you expect to take care of him if you haven’t taken care of yourself?”

Goku opened his mouth to protest, but his stomach answered for him, letting out a grumble so loud that he would not be surprised if Chu hua heard it from downstairs. Laughing in embarrassment, he replied, “I guess you’re right. Alright, I’ll go take a shower and get something to eat. But I’ll be back really soon.”

“No need to rush.” the healer replied. “Sanzo is so deeply under that I would be surprised if he woke up any time soon.” Goku disagreed with the chi user’s assessment, but nodded and ran off to freshen up. Grabbing his toiletries and spare clothes, he told himself that he would get back to the monk’s side within an hour. 

Rushing through his shower, the younger brunette hurried through the inn to go get something that would at least curb his appetite. As he was leaving, his keen nose smelled something delicious. He followed the scent into the small kitchen right off of the reception room. The matronly innkeeper was washing some dishes, but on the table in front of him was a steaming plate of food. While the portion on it was significantly smaller than his usual one, it was still enough to create a mound of food. He looked at the woman, confused and wondering what was going on. She turned to him with a smile and explained “Did you really think I didn’t hear your stomach rumbling? I know you’re worried about your friend, but you’ll need your strength if you’re going to deal with that stubborn man.” Goku grinned at Chu hua’s spot on assessment of the surly blond. “Eat that and get back to him.”

He nodded gratefully and sat down saying “I don’t know how to thank you for this.” She waved off his thanks before turning back to her task. Eating even more quickly than he usually did, he again thanked her and hurried up the stairs to Sanzo’s room.

Hakkai was sitting in the chair next to the bed and reading a book. When the gold eyed heretic entered, he looked up in surprise. “Goku! Back already? You could have taken a little more time to rest.”

“I was just worried about him. How’s he doing?”

Smiling in understanding, the healer answered “Just fine. He’s still sleeping.” The two demons looked down at the patient. While Hakkai only saw a sleeping face, Goku saw the fine lines between Sanzo’s eyes; the first sign of his distress.

Knowing that the proud monk would not want to be seen in such a weakened state, the younger man said, “I’m here now. You can head off and get things ready for when we leave.” Keeping the smile on his face, the chi user shook his head in resignation and left the room without another word.

Goku took the newly evacuated seat and made himself comfortable. He knew he was in for a long and potentially—probably, frustrating afternoon. The young man had felt close to a breakthrough before the doctor had interrupted his train of thought.  
He suspected that the nightmares were about a time when Sanzo had been in a vulnerable state while less than fully dressed, but he still didn’t know what that meant. The ideas he had come up with before had been quickly dismissed based on what he knew about his blond love. Any other theories he had were ones he really didn’t want to consider. Like maybe Sanzo had been touched inappropriately or sexually assaulted. Goku knew that the man was stronger than most humans and, though he knew the monk was not invincible, he found it hard to believe that the monk would let whoever would do that to him live.

His anger grew. Had that sick fuck done more to Sanzo than just beat him up? The brunette shook his head and tried to think logically through the anger. The dreams had started before that fight. Therefore, whatever happened had to have occurred before it.

Goku ran his fingers through his hair violently, extremely frustrated. He wasn’t used to so much introspection or a whole lot of heavy thinking. He normally left that to Hakkai. His inability to figure this out made him very disappointed in himself. Why couldn’t he figure it out? A soft sound from the bed caused him to jump and focus on the man in front of him. Tears were already flowing down that beautiful face. Even though he did not have the energy to toss and turn, the heretic knew that, if he had not been sick, the monk would be moving about on the bed.

His heart ached. He couldn’t do anything to help the one he loved unless he could figure out what was causing the nightmares. He was surprised when he heard a quietly murmured word. It was very quiet. If he had not been listening carefully he would not have heard it.

“Stop…”

‘Stop?’ What did Sanzo want to stop? He felt even more confused than ever. His heart dropped. That softly uttered word seemed to confirm his theory on the nightmares. Goku shook his head to snap himself out of it. He was jumping to conclusions. ‘Stop’ could be referring to any kind of behavior.

He had begun to think he would never figure it out when he heard the monk speak again. What he said made Goku’s heavy heart sink into despair. “…hurts.”

Gold eyes widened. ‘Stop. Hurts. Vulnerable in a state of undress.” All of it seemed to point to the conclusion he had so desperately tried to reject: the one thing he didn’t want to believe and had tried so hard to convince himself was false. Sanzo, his beloved sun, had been sexually assaulted in one form or another.

After the shock came a white hot rage. Someone had dared to touch the monk without his consent and had scarred him for life. He wanted to hunt down whoever had done it and kill them slowly, allowing them to experience the same pain and fear they had brought upon the blonde. Not that he would perform the same disgusting action upon them that they had inflicted upon Sanzo, Goku had principles after all. But the agony he would cause them would be a partial atonement for their actions.

The rage faded as another emotion swept through him: compassion. Not pity, he knew the proud man would disdain pity. But the brunette felt like he finally understood some of the monk’s behaviors. He would never truly understand what Sanzo was feeling. How could he? But he knew that this revelation didn’t change his feelings for the monk. If anything, it made him admire the blond more. The fact that he had survived, had refused to let this trauma break him completely, demonstrated his incredible will. 

Goku knew that, despite the monk’s determination to not be destroyed by the event, he was far from okay. He hadn’t come to terms with it, as evidenced by his nightmares. True healing would be a long and difficult journey and even if he ‘dealt with’ what had happened, the blond would never be able to forget it or get over it completely. He would never be the same as before he remembered it.

Distracted as he was by his thoughts, Goku hadn’t noticed that Sanzo’s nightmare reached its climax until the monk sat up screaming. The young man rushed to his beloved’s side so that he could make sure that he didn’t hurt himself. The blond flailed his arms and displayed a surprising amount of strength for his condition, desperation overwhelming his body’s lack of energy.

The heretic was torn between two actions. He knew that his sun would not react well to being held down, but he also knew that he had to keep the monk from injuring himself. Sanzo made the decision for him by suddenly flopping back down against the pillows. After a moment, those violet orbs that had been clouded by sleep cleared and the monk took a few deep breaths. Only after that did he seem to realize he was not alone. When Sanzo jerked his head towards him, Goku found himself confronted by a face full of fear.

He froze. The young man wasn’t ready to talk to his love yet. He hadn’t figured out how to talk to Sanzo about it. But as resignation mixed with the fear in the monk’s eyes, he knew he didn’t have a choice. 

Just great.


	30. Goku's Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language

Once Sanzo had slumped back into his bed after jolting awake from his nightmare, he felt like screaming in frustration. That dream had been the worst yet; vivid enough that, even though he had regained his awareness, he still felt those grasping hands. This was just pathetic. He wondered if these dreams were really going to kill him. Though he had been only partially conscious, the blonde had heard what Dr. Shu had said. The monk snorted. It figures, after everything he’s lived through, it was going to be his own mind that did him in.

He abruptly realized with horror that he was not alone. Fear flooded him as he jerked his head around to face the other occupant, truly praying for what had to be the first time in his life that the person who sat next to him was not who he suspected it was. Sanzo found his hope dashed when he saw that the person sitting with him was exactly whom he had expected it to be. Goku sat by his bedside, looking at him with wide startled eyes. He had a conflicted look in his eyes: not a good sign in the monk’s opinion. It made him wonder if perhaps his charade was up. As the blonde pondered this, he felt a sense of sad resignation pass through him. It had been wishful thinking on his part to think he could conceal his sin. So, bracing himself for the other’s reaction, the ill man asked in a voice devoid of emotion “What are you doing here?”

Sanzo watched the play of emotions on his former charge’s face with a sort of detached interest. Goku was taken aback, whether by the question or the tone was unclear, and had opened his mouth to say something. It closed again before anything was said as the brunet looked confused over what to say. Opening his mouth once again, he finally explained hesitantly, “The doc said that people with fevers can experience something called fever dreams. They can be so vivid and scary that the person can accidentally injure themselves when they wake up. He felt that, since you’ve already been having problems sleeping, you might be more susceptible to them and told us that one of us should stay with you until your fever broke.”

Though it was phrased a lot more tactfully than the monk had thought the young man capable of, it basically confirmed his fears that the entire group now knew that he was having nightmares. Just peachy. “So I take it you volunteered to watch me?”

A brown haired head nodded as he responded with a quiet, “Yeah.”

For a moment, the room was silent. The blond wasn’t sure he wanted to know anything else and he sure as hell didn’t want to talk about the nightmares. It seemed as though the demon was unsure of how to proceed as well. Finally, the blonde convinced himself to just get this shit storm over with and stated more than asked “I take it you saw me having a nightmare then.”

A somewhat guilty and yet relieved expression appeared on the youthful face of his companion. “Yeah,” he said again and added, “it seemed like it was a bad one.” Bad was an understatement, but Sanzo reluctantly nodded, confirming the last statement.

It looked like Goku wanted to reach out and wipe the tear tracks off of the monk’s face but he held himself back. The violet eyed man winced inside; convinced that this had something to do with whatever suspicions the demon had formed when witnessing his violent awakening. He was even more distraught when he heard the brunet’s whispered confession: “You were talking in your sleep.”

Sanzo froze. He had talked in his sleep? The blond was so afraid of what he might have revealed that he didn’t even notice when he inadvertently asked the question currently playing on repeat in his head. “What did I say?”

His former charge looked as though he regretted his last statement as he quickly reassured the monk “N-nothing really.” A nervous laugh. “I only heard you say something that kinda sort of sounded like ‘Stop.’”

‘The monkey’s a bad liar’, the monk thought morosely as an awkward silence descended between them. Sanzo was drowning in despair and it seemed as though Goku was unsure of how to word whatever it was he wanted to say. He had a look that resembled pity and yet was not quite that dreaded emotion. The monk steeled himself for the question that he had never wanted to have asked.

After a moment, the heretic began to speak hesitantly. “Sanzo…were you…”

While the blonde waited for the gavel to fall, he found himself captured by an intense stare. Those gold eyes looked straight into his own amethyst ones. It was so powerful that it seemed as though the younger man could see into the depths of his broken soul. That gaze made him intensely uncomfortable but, for some reason, he couldn’t look away.

For a moment that seemed to last forever, nothing was said or done. In his head, Sanzo was demanding that the brunet finish his question, dammit, and put them both out of their misery. Therefore, he was quite surprised when that not-quite-pitying quality vanished from the other man’s face. It was replaced by something warmer, softer.

“Hey Sanzo,” Goku began, “Do you remember what you told me a couple of weeks ago? How you told me to figure out what I felt for you?” The random change in topic threw the monk off balance. What did that have to do with anything? Not really sure where the demon was going with this, he nevertheless nodded his head. “Well, I did what you said, and I figured a few things out.” Sanzo thought he could kind of see where this was going and waited to hear what the other had to say.

“You were right about one thing,” the brunet conceded, “I am grateful that you saved me, but you were wrong when you said I was confusing that and admiration. I admire you Sanzo. You’re smart, brave, and I like hanging out with you.” The young man paused trying to choose the right words before continuing, before the monk could interrupt, “But it’s not a blind admiration either. I know you’re not perfect. There are things about you that drive me crazy sometimes. But I don’t hate you for them. I guess what I’m trying to say is…” he stopped for a moment before gathering his courage and confessing: “I love you Sanzo.”

The blonde laid there stunned. He had asked Goku to think about his feelings so that something like this didn’t happen. He rushed to try and stop that nonsense before it could take root. “No you don’t.” he said urgently. “It’s not love. You’re…” Sanzo struggled to say the word for a moment, hurt that Goku was the same as all the others and only, “…infatuated with me. You don’t even know what love is.”

The demon rolled his eyes. “I may not be able to put into words what love is, but I’m not stupid enough to think love and infatuation are the same thing.” Gentle gold eyes gazed at him. “It’s different Sanzo. It’s not infatuation.”

“Look,” the blond started, “you just think you love me because you haven’t met anyone else who is a likely partner. Once we finish this shitty mission and we go back home, you can find someone who you actually have a connection with. You just think you love me because your hormones are raging and you want someone to…” He couldn’t finish that statement.

Now Goku was glaring at him. “My hormones have nothing to do with it. I don’t want to have sex with you Sanzo.” Wide, disbelieving eyes stared at the demon as he continued “I don’t deny that I think you are one of the most handsome people I have ever met, but I don’t love you for your looks. I love you because you’re you, because of who you are on the inside.”

Sanzo scoffed. “Trust me. You’ll find someone else eventually. Just let your misplaced ‘feelings’ for me go.” The emphasis the monk placed on ‘feelings’ clearly showed how much he doubted the brunette’s love.

Goku shook his head and said “I know nothing I say to you now will make you believe me Sanzo, but I wanted to tell you that I love you, no matter what. It doesn’t matter to me what has happened in the past, what you say or do right now, or what happens in the future. I love you, and I don’t care if I have to spend the rest of my life proving it to you.”

He couldn’t think of any way to respond to the determined statement the other made. He was too tired and too overwhelmed by all that was happening. All he could do was assure himself that he would show Goku just how wrong he was, and soon, so that he could finally let go of his ‘attachment’ to him. 

When he said as much all the demon did was smile and say “Get some rest Sanzo. You need to get better.” Seeing the wisdom of this course of action, the monk did his best to relax against the pillows. He needed to get better alright. Not only so that they could continue on this damned quest, but also so that he could fix this issue before it became a problem.


	31. The Truth Will Set You Free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language

After the demon had confessed to Sanzo, he had long hard trial ahead of him. For nearly a month, the disbelieving monk had tried everything he could to push Goku away. He had bullied, belittled, ignored, and argued with him in vain. While the brunette hadn’t taken it lying down, had argued back in fact, he never held it against the blonde and continued to tell him that he loved him every day.

Finally Sanzo, in a desperate attempt to end this nonsense before it got any further out of hand, decided to use his ‘ace in the hole’. Sort of. He wasn’t going to outright confess what had happened, but he was going to drop obvious hints about it, so obvious that even the oblivious monkey could figure it out. He decided to wait until it was just the two of them.

One day, Hakkai and Gojyo went to pick up supplies, it was a perfect opportunity, so he led Goku someplace quiet and began to explain to him. “Listen, monkey, this needs to stop.”

The younger man replied with a resigned sigh. “I know what you’re goin’ to say Sanzo. ‘You can’t love me for reasons X, Y, and Z.’ I already told you that I love you and that nothing you say or do is going to change that.” He looked the monk right in the eye with a determined expression and continued “I don’t care how much you argue that point. I’m never going to stop loving you.”

The blonde drew in a deep breath, settling his nerves and strengthening his resolve to carry this through. Refusing to look at his companion he stared down at his feet and began, “Trust me. With what I am about to tell you, what I’ve done; you’re going to change your mind.”

Since the human was avoiding looking at Goku, he missed the flash of understanding that swept across his face. On one hand, he knew that this…issue had to be addressed or else Sanzo would never feel worthy of love, but on the other hand, he didn’t want his loved one to feel pressured into telling him about it. To buy himself some time to sort out his feelings he started, “Sanzo, you-“

“Just shut up and listen dammit!” he interrupted harshly. The demon was silenced by the snarled order. For a long moment, the two men became entrenched in a tense silence, the air thick with expectation.Finally, the monk spoke, haltingly. “You know how I’ve had nightmares right? I’ve…remembered something about my past. Something I had thought forgotten.” 

He stopped for a moment, incredibly reluctant to continue. But, knowing that if he stopped now, Goku would continue to believe the delusion he had created, the blonde soldiered on. “It happened when I was young, before my Master died. I was his youngest disciple and he favored me. As you can guess, that didn’t exactly make me popular with the other shitheads that gathered around him. One night, a few of them chased me while I was alone.” His eyes blazed as he continued. “Those bastards knew they couldn’t take me one on one so, like cowards, they came after me as a pack.” That brief moment of anger faded into guilt. “They caught me and they…I didn’t stop them when they…” Sanzo knew he was stuttering but he couldn’t find it in him to care. He was too busy trying to make himself finish his thought, but he couldn’t even think the word, let alone say it. He ground his teeth for a while before vaguely finishing “…did things to me.”

It was as though a weight fell off of him and the monk continued emotionlessly “So you see, you couldn’t possibly love someone as soiled as me.” Violet eyes finally looked directly at Goku as he continued. “If I’ve learned anything these past few weeks, it’s that you are capable of giving yourself whole-heartedly. One day, you may find someone worthy enough to truly give your heart to. Don’t waste it on me.”

The brunette sat there slightly stunned. Even knowing about what had happened, hearing Sanzo tell him outright and confessing that it had been done by multiple people left him feeling a little bit sick. Not at his sun of course, but at the fact that those fuckers could be so cruel as to do that to another human, especially a child. He knew he was staring, but he couldn’t help himself. His blonde love looked so sad. Goku felt humbled that the man had forced himself to be so open and vulnerable for his sake. Looking into that self-conscious expression, the gold eyed man knew that his next words needed to be the right ones. If they weren’t he would shatter Sanzo completely.

He tried to think how to let the monk know that he knew and still loved him in spite of it, but he couldn’t think of how to say it without coming right out with it. He took a deep breath and decided to let instinct take over. “Sanzo. I know” he finally confessed quietly.

The amethyst eyed man stiffened and barked out, “What do you mean ‘you know’? What the hell do you know? There’s no way you know!”

The demon continued gently, admitting a little bit self consciously, “That day, when I told you I loved you, I said that you hadn’t said anything that I could hear while you were sleeping. You actually did. You said two words clearly, ‘Stop’ and ‘hurts’.” 

Sanzo stared at him, mouth agape in horror. “And how do you get…that from those words?”

Goku hesitated, scolding himself for not coming clean to his beloved sooner, but there was nothing he could do about that now; all he could do was let the leader of the Party know that he loved him in spite of it. “I knew you were having nightmares before that. I thought I should let you deal with it since you normally hate when people try to pry, but you kept having them, and you always looked so tired, so I decided to try and figure it out myself so that I could help. Based on what I knew about you, I had already mostly figured it out. I kept telling myself that I was jumping to conclusions, but then you said those words and confirmed what I had suspected for a while.” The demon’s heart clenched in sadness as he saw the monk’s face taken over by an assortment of emotions Goku wished he could never see there: anger, betrayal, shock, and a little fear.

“If you knew,” the blonde growled out through clenched teeth, “then why did you claim to love me? Is this some sort of sick prank? Do you get your jollies off by playing with me like this?”

The heretic shook his head emphatically. “That’s not it at all Sanzo. I’m not playing around with you. I really do love you!”

“Stop lying!” Sanzo yelled, rising to his feet to tower above the shorter man. “If you knew, then there is no way you could possibly love me. Don’t you get it? I’m dirty, used, useless…”

Before the man could continue his verbal self-abuse the brunette stood and, despite knowing it wasn’t the best thing to do to someone who had such an aversion to touch, wrapped his arms loosely around the other. He felt him stiffen and try to pull away. Before he could he slightly tightened his grip and said “Please don’t say that Sanzo. You’re not any of those things. What you are is someone who has survived an awful experience. Someone who has persevered through all that was done to you and hasn’t accepted that persevering in and of itself is amazing.” The body he was holding stopped fighting and, though he wasn’t looking at him, Goku knew that the man would be looking down at him in disbelieving surprise. He loosened his grip slightly and looking up into those conflicted violet eyes reassured “Despite it all Sanzo, despite the fact that you find yourself unlovable and despite the fact that this hasn’t left you unscarred, I love you. No matter what was done to you. No matter what sin you accuse yourself of. No matter if you ever come to love yourself again. I love you.”

For the briefest of moments, a time period almost too small to be considered a moment, belief filled those broken violet eyes. It gave the demon strength even as it faded away, squashed by the man’s despair. “You’ll realize it someday Goku.” the monk began hollowly. “You’ll see just what I am. And then you’ll leave.”

The brunette smiled gently and, still keeping eye contact, shook his head no. “I’m pretty sure I already said this, but I’ll say it again. I don’t care if it takes the rest of your life Sanzo; I’m going to prove to you that I love you. Every last stubborn piece of you.”Even though the blonde looked unconvinced, he finally looked as though he would stop trying to dissuade the demon from his stance. 

Although Sanzo didn’t really relax in the arms still loosely embracing him, he didn’t fight against them either. Maybe if in the deepest part of himself there was a small flame of hope that flickered, sustained by the resolute features of the man holding him, well he thought he might be able to live with being proved wrong for once.


	32. Epilogue

Five Years Later

The only sound in the sunlit room was the scratching of a pen across paper. Genjo Sanzo sat in his office at Keiun Temple scowling at the mounds of paperwork that covered his desk. You go away for a few years and what happens? Paperwork backs up. The Sanzo Party had returned from their journey West a little over a week ago and the blond was still catching up. He snarled something incomprehensible as his pen flew across the offending sheet violently, conveying just how frustrated the cranky monk was feeling.

It wasn’t until a knock on his door startled him and drew his attention away that Sanzo noticed how stiffly he had been sitting and how hungry he had become. The knock was followed by a very familiar voice calling out “Sanzo? I’m coming in.” When Goku entered the room holding a small tray, the priest allowed himself to relax a little.

Slightly more at ease, the violet eyed man turned back to his work and asked “What the hell do you want?” The tone was far less venomous than the words implied and might have been called affectionate had it not been Sanzo, who would shoot anyone that dared to insinuate such a thing.

The heretic wore a small smile as he replied “I heard you haven’t eaten today. I brought you some tea and chazuke.”

“Monkey,” the monk began with a long suffering sigh, “I still have a shit ton of work to do.”

“C’mon Sanzo.” Goku countered with a puppy dog pout. “A small break won’t hurt.” Seeing that the blond was about to argue back, the brunette added “I even brought up your cigarettes.” The combination of a pout and a bribe always worked like a charm.

On the inside, the monk was touched by his companion’s thoughtfulness, but being Sanzo, he refused to show it. Putting on a resigned expression, he rolled his eyes and replied as he stood. “Fine. Fifteen minutes.”

The demon smiled a wide happy smile as he walked over to the small couch and low coffee table that was tucked into the corner of the Head Priest’s office. The blond joined him just as he was pouring the tea. Goku put a cup of plain tea in front of Sanzo as he sat down before turning to prepare his own. Seeing how much sugar he put in his own, the monk asked disbelievingly, as he always did, “How can you stand all that sugar?”

The gold eyed man shrugged and answered “I just like sweet stuff.”

The amethyst eyed monk snorted and reached for a cigarette and the lighter. After lighting it, he sat back into the sofa and took a few puffs of the nicotine riddled stick. Sighing almost imperceptibly, he allowed himself to relax. When he felt the other sit down next to him, close but not quite touching, he gave him a sideways look. Goku was slowly sipping the steaming tea and looking out the window at the setting sun. They sat in comfortable silence for a moment; a feat Sanzo had thought the demon incapable of before. Breaking the silence he asked “So, did you want something?”

The still shorter man looked over at him with a sunny smile and said “While it’s true I wanted you to eat something, the main reason I came over was to spend time with you. I haven’t seen you much this week.”

“Hmph!” the blond replied. “I figured as much.”

“Just look at the sunset Sanzo.” the brunet retorted. “It’s beautiful. Something this pretty needs to be shared with the one you love.”

Sanzo turned his eyes towards the window with what he refused to acknowledge as a light blush on his face. “Whatever.” he muttered quietly. While he had stopped rejecting Goku’s feelings, such casual proclamations of affection still made him feel a little shy.

After another moment of silence, during which they continued to drink their tea and, in Sanzo’s case smoke a cigarette, Goku asked “Hey Sanzo?” Receiving a grunt of acknowledgment, he continued “Can I kiss you?”

The younger man always asked before touching the monk, something for which the other was grateful. Even something as simple as holding the blonde’s hand, Goku never moved to touch him until he got his approval. The blonde was sure the heretical being would love to do more than just kiss and hug him, but he never pushed Sanzo when he said no. The priest wasn’t sure he would ever be comfortable with that kind of affection. Maybe someday but for now the thought still made him feel uneasy. There were still days, even after all this time, where even the thought of being touched repulsed him. Today was not one of those days. After a final puff, the blonde snuffed his cigarette and replied with a show of disinterest, “If you want.”  
Goku smiled and pressed his lips softly against Sanzo’s. It was entirely chaste, just a brush of lips at most, and the monk was having none of that. With an irritated sound, he pushed against the other more firmly and reached up to cup the back of the brunet’s head and lightly tangled his fingers in the slightly longer hair. The demon followed his lead and rested his hands on the taller man’s shoulders. Goku lightly began to move his lips against thin lips and Sanzo moved his in response. The kiss was sweet and full of affection, a slow glide full of familiarity.

After a moment, they pulled away and looked at each other. The demon looked up at Sanzo happily as the monk scoffed and turned his head away to hide his embarrassment. They settled back against the couch and continued to watch the sunset without a word spoken between them.

The sun was a sliver on the horizon and the blonde took the moment to reflect. You didn’t always get over your past. You couldn’t always heal completely. What you could do was learn to deal with it and rebuild, scarred and changed but whole. Though he’d never show it openly, he was glad he had someone who at the very least understood and was willing to help him do so. The demon’s support, acceptance, and love made the whole process just a little bit easier. The thought filled him with warmth and he allowed himself a tiny smile.

“Sanzo?” The monk turned to look at Goku who was looking at him with eyes full of love and the small smile that he reserved for Sanzo alone. “I love you.”

Even though the brunet said that every day, the human didn’t often return the sentiment. Instead he tried to show the other how he felt through the trust he gave Goku and the small things he did for the other under the guise of something other than love. But today, perhaps because of the golden rays of the sun filling the already golden eyes with liquid fire, Sanzo felt generous enough to respond “You too.”


End file.
